Upon waking this morning, the dreariness of the day, was met with my sunny predisposition. I had big plans! However they were not big enough to hold the somewhat constant rain and cold, damp temperatures at bay. No matter how much I wished.
Over my short life I have held out hope for so many aspects of my life I would have given anything to change. Often when I am face with an aspect of my life I wish I could miraculously alter, I put the burned on myself. I’d say, “ I would move heaven and earth to change…” Today I realized something else just by happenstance, and I almost put the burden on me, hoping it had turned out or been done differently. I quickly realized it wasn’t my responsibility to claim.
I know in my heart the person who did this, purposely did the things that have been happening to me and that person knows it. Any one who knows this particular person, know the dubious nature they have and the things that happen when they are around. I know unequivocally it isn’t my burden of proof to hold on to or prove, nor will I claim it as mine or any aspect of what has been set in motion. I do not have to live with the emotional repercussions of the actions of any of the negative actions or feelings the said person will deny. Unto them.
No longer will I be anyone’s tool for physical assault or emotional abuse. No longer will I be party to emotional gaslighting. I do not have time to waste on such reprehensible actions from nobodies. No longer will I believe I was ever not apprehensible, those were YOUR words projected unto me and not the truth!!!
The truth is, I am honest, kind, loving and confident, more confident than I ever have been! No matter what is said, people who know me, know who I am and what I stand for. For the first time in years, I no longer need to worry about being as austere as I once had to be. I don’t have to worry about someone else being judgmental or negatively opinionated of the person I am. I have had tremendous growth in the last 18 months, but even more so in the last few months, even as I have had deep heartache. In time, one day perhaps that person will realize the truth, not the version they were poisoned with. But if that day doesn’t come, it will not be a result of who I am or from actions I caused.
This chance I have been given, by the negative actions of another, has allowed me to set a new course and am in the process of rebranding myself and putting a new trademark on who I am. My blog name, Ataraxia means a state of freedom from emotional disturbance and anxiety. How apropos both definitions are (the other one is a link to Wikipedia) when I picked the name before I took up practicing Buddhism, I had no idea how drawn to Buddhism I’d be. Please don’t get me wrong, I have difficult moments but I am pushing ahead and using my healthy tools.
We all have such a short time living, experiencing what makes life so worth the preciousness it is, that I refuse to allow anyone to take up space in my mind and heart that isn’t wanting to be in my life, or who thinks they can mistreat me. I am doing for me. I am taking care of me. I want all my children in my life, and all the friend who love me to surround me, I love and value them all. I know more than anything that people matter and have more value than money, or possessions. I am and always will be, a woman with a strong existence, living my life with pride and fortitude.
May you find your happiness within.