I took some quality time for myself today, for both my body and mind. I meandered on a relaxing woodland walking path, and went to exercise, in the evening I practiced my mindfulness meditation. The tranquility and serenity each in its own way uplifted me. The insight into my thoughts, how I see the world and feel has been changing since my practice started. Both the medications and Dharma talks provide intricate pieces to the puzzle of my understanding to who I am. The entire process of Buddhism is to gain a better understanding of who you are as an individual, and how you relate to the world.
Mediation, the mere act of focusing on your breathing and clearing your mind or deeply thinking about something specific can literally change your pattern of though and how you feel. Today I realized that I’m happy my ex husband has found the woman he is now with. The fact she brings him happiness is a wonderful thing. The anger and hate I held for him over the things he has done is leaving me and I am able to let go of processing over and over wanting him to atone. I am not responsible for his happiness or unhappiness or choices he has made or not made. I have come to terms with that.
It was a enormous revelation to me that I have let go in many ways, I know I will continue to let go and free myself completely. In the last several weeks I have come to learn a plethora of my strengths and the person I am. The entire life-altering bad experience I have been going through that set off this change in me, has been in many ways one of the best in terms of my personal growth.
Would I have found Buddhism sooner? Perhaps. I had some of the foundational starts already laid down, I just didn’t know it at the time.
I sought out Buddhism because I had a cacophony of thoughts continuously going in my head and I needed something positive to help me cope. What I knew of Buddhism was it was predominantly mediation, and as neurotic as I was I needed all the help I could get! However that being said I can see how over the last few years I have been slowly moving toward practicing Buddhism, where I am at now, even in the frenzied state I was currently drive to by the undo stress I was dealing with.
My job, the work I do that has grounded me in ways I love. Now I have The practice of Buddhism. I’m proud of myself. I’ve persevered over superfluities for many years and to be at this point in my existence, well I know I am a loving, loyal and caring person who has enormous amounts to give to others. I am worth more than I was valued and now I have raised my bar to match my true worth.
I made a great choice when I left my last profession. I made a great choice when I finally left my marriage. I made a great choice when I took “my” life back. I’m providing for my needs and I’m satisfying my wants and the best part is I’m doing it on my own! Of course I do know like anyone your friends help, and I love each and everyone of you dearly! But what I meant is I didn’t need a relationship in order to keep standing!