Morning! I woke feeling, well sore but good. Yesterday I worked out, something I normally do often but with my stress load I had put it off. I love the feeling of exercising, many times I close my eye and just focus on the movement and how loose my body is becoming. As I have said it has been weeks since I last worked out, because of that fact not only did I take it slow, I decreased my weight load and resistance. After my workout I felt better physically, I stood more erect and felt, well relaxed, I indeed felt better than I had in quiet some time.
Sensing a bit of soreness this morning, I smiled at knowing that my body appreciates how I am taking care of it… again. It makes me wonder why stress and profound sorrow can have such a harsh influence on things that are good for us causing stoppage. In the end we feel better and isn’t that what we want, need?
In addition to working on finding peace and serenity for my body, I now am focusing on my mind. I have taken up using Buddhism as a vehicle to work on benefiting how I process the stressors in my life and how I handle and see those stressors. A few weeks back I came to the conclusion my stress was managing me and taking control of my life and I felt increasingly more helpless. I didn’t know much about meditation or mindfulness, really I knew nothing, but figured I needed something to aid me during this profound period of time. As it happened I met someone who was a Buddhist, who gave me got some good insight into the practice and the varying degrees of Buddhism. We had several conversations about how it was a benefit to him and his overall perception of the world. Based on things I believe and strive to have in my own life, reaching to Buddhism seemed like a logical and beneficial choice. However to make the best choice for myself on which form of Buddhism I wanted/needed I checked out a book to get a better understanding for the practice, and started taking classes. From there I have been listening on the web to Darma Talks . The talks have helped me immensely, and I cannot give enough positive accolades about this site or the practice of Buddhism in general.
While I have not found enlightenment, I feel in time I will reach the enlightened state if I continue the practice. I see no reason why I won’t, especially because everything you do in Buddhism makes you clear your mind and think about your purpose, what you want for yourself, how to break down what it is you’re feeling, thinking, experiencing to the smallest fundamental sense of the experience. By clearing your mind and focusing on your breath or a key though you achieve better understanding of yourself.
Last night I practiced a meditation on “Equanimity for the Difficult Person“, and while it wasn’t easy to think some of the thoughts given as prompts, this morning I woke feeling more at ease over the person I was focusing on. I feel more able to love the fact he is in my child’s life, and he is responsible for his actions, good or bad. It is a wonderfully feeling to not feel the frustration and anger of not understand why he did many of the destructive, violent and hurtful things he did, and be able to let go. In fact I might do this very meditation again today.
Letting go, it is in many ways giving me the ability to have a say over what has happened, more than the false sense of power I subsequently never had. It is strange to feel I have more control over the situation, something I would have never expected but am thankful for. So thankful.
There is nothing like the pain and hurt of betrayal, losing someone you love and really losing the life you knew, no matter how shitty it was. If I though for an instant my ex husband cared for us or me the way he should have or treated me better, I would have never divorced him. I didn’t what to hurt my children, and yet they got hurt. All of them. If I had the ability I would have had an amicable divorce process, yet I wasn’t the only one in the dynamic. I did my best to be kind and giving and yet it didn’t help.
I regress, my point is, for me I would have done what ever it took to make things good, but the reality is it takes two who want the same thing and are willing to contribute. Now I must make those powerfully healthy choices for myself, focus on moving on with happiness and peace in my heart. Because I do not have the option of making some choices for myself due to the circumstances, I will focus on what I do have and for the first time in my life I will put myself first.
Don’t get me wrong, my other two children know I am there for them and will do what ever I must and can to give them the love, care and support they need. I will help and provide what I can as long as they do what they should to show they are doing all they can for their overall growth and happiness. For me having them in my life is the best gift of life I have ever had and I would never give up being their Mother. For my third child, I miss her and will always love her, but I know she has decided I am not best for her. For what ever reason she feels I have not lived up to her expectations of what a loving parent is or will do, and subsequently she felt she had to make the choices she made. Those choices are her choices and she has to live with them, and the reality of what she did.
My trying to rationalize how she hurt me or the lies she told, well there is no rationalization, but I know I have to live with her decisions just like she does . As easy as it sounds letting go has not been easy in any way, but it is reality, my reality.
I sit here on this cool, overcast, moist humid day, the feel of rain in the air. The trees, some bare, others still changing, listening to their rustling in the intermitted breeze. What a magical sound. This day beckons to be experienced for the beauty, the peace and the serenity.
May you find the magic of today.