The Need for Self Love

This morning I woke as if a light went on, my eyes popped opened to the new day, and for the first time in weeks I was content.  My natural inner clock seems to have reset itself, waking up three days in a row at roughly the same time, makes me realize I am moving past what I needed to.  Everything in due time, and while it isn’t easy by any stretch of the imagination, it is what I need to do for myself and my overall health.

I have been implementing changes in myself, changes long overdue but necessary for growth.  Like so many, I allowed fear to hold me back, and dictate who I was, now fear is propelling me forth and I am feeling more at peace.  The biggest change for me was starting meditative practices and working on the teachings of Buddhism and learning parts of the Dharma.  While it has only been a few weeks, I can feel and see a difference.

Differences, we all have them, but it is our expectation and our believes that dictate how we view others and how they view us.  I had expectations of what my marriage, divorce and life after would be like.  None of which was what I expected.  The pain and grief I struggled with for years while married were let go when my divorce became final.  Ten days later events that were put into action by strategic planning by my ex husband and my youngest daughter, not only threw me into utter chaos, but changed my life in ways I would never have imagined. I suffered greatly.

With the help of meditation and Dharma talks I have been working through the feelings I was left with.  The insightful nature of the teachings has helped me find much inner peace, gratitude (for what I have ) and insight.  I know I am supported and loved, so many have helped and continue to help me letting me know how much I am cared for and loved.  It’s a good feeling to know as I walk on my journey so many are with me to support me. I cannot say I have had an easy time working though the loss I sustained, I don’t fathom many people do.  There are so many firsts I must encounter in order to fully move past the grief,  so I take it day by day.

As each day goes by, I have been making small but meaningful steps toward overall progress to be able to let go, forgiving and wish the best to my ex husband and youngest daughter.  I hope as individuals they are able to find the fulfillment and happiness in there lives we should all have.  I am sorry I could not provide the base for my daughter, I tried, contrary to what she said or believes.  It is hard to let go of someone you love, especially a child you would do anything for.  I myself have contended with deep hurt and anger over the entire situation.  What I have gathered is this was an act of malicious anger and retaliation.  There is nothing to be done about it, but hope that what they were both searching for was indeed what they got.

I love my daughter more than I can even put into words.  I was there for some of her darkest of days and scariest of nights.  I put her first so she could heal and be in a better place emotionally, there was nothing I wouldn’t do to help her.  For myself, as an individual, I grew in emotional fortitude so I could improve on helping her.  Now I am growing in emotional resilience so I can help myself and let go of what is past and forgive.  I also need to grow emotionally because I need to be my best supporter.

For me, forgiveness is about saying I love who I am and I respect who I am, for the  individual I am.  It is fulfilling the need for peace in my heart and mind and having my courage flourish as it shine through in my gentle nature.  It is standing tall and saying I matter and can live a life that is full of love, respect and kindness, thanks to who I am and the people who support and love me.  It is seeing the good things in this world, helping those who are suffering or in need and being kind.  I forgive you both and I hope you are set free by the choices you made.

Life is about our choices, expectations, and what we perceive.  It is waking up every day and finding happiness in the cup of tea, the bee on the flower, snow falling for the first time, the love of a child or knowing you are breathing.  It is finding inner peace, strength in love and contentment in knowing you are doing the right thing. Life is about oh so much, and I intend on living my life never forgetting my loved ones or who loves me even when times are as they are.

I am free~

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