I have been devoting large amounts of time redefining who I am and coming up with healthier ways of cultivating the less than favorable situations life has given me, and as we all know will give me again. Recently an adverse experience I had really made me question the validity of the world around me and how one persons’ negative feelings about me caused my life to change in ways I could have never imagined. Trust me when I say, the effects of what he put into motion was earth shattering in a way I would have never in any realm of possibility come up with as something that would happen or he would do.
Over the years I have had to find ways of coming to terms with the thoughts and feelings that arose often over this individual’s subsequent behavior and how it was directed at me. Par for the course I would question myself and what I did to cause the behavior he exhibited, when it was him, his behavior and his choice. After years of working on myself, learning to express myself in more dynamic ways and finally seeing the issues clearly, I was able to make the choices I not only needed to, but had to, to find my way on my own. It by far was not an easy road, but one I had to traverse.
During this particular difficult time, I did a good job at advocating for myself, taking care of myself and my children. Through what I thought at the time, was the hardest part of my life, I found I had a plethora of pent up anger and resentment over not only how I was treated, but what I endured. It wasn’t fair or just and I knew we were never put first like a family should be, which made me dislike this person even more. Over all I thought I did a good job at “getting over” my negative feelings toward him. Nothing was further from the truth, it wasn’t apparent to me but others could see how I battled with the negative feelings I had and how they would bubble up and take over.
It wasn’t until the unthinkable happened that I realized how much I loathed this person and who he was as a human, a parasitic human. The vindictive cut throat nature and dishonest ways he used to inflict pain on me, all in order to get back at me and make me pay and in his eyes to win, made me realize he would stop at nothing to feel he was superior. In his eyes he was smart, smarter than most people, and couldn’t be underestimated because he was so cunning. From my standpoint, what was done wasn’t about anyone but who he was and what he had won, well you can’t win a person even if you think they are possessions.
Hurting others for self gain, has nothing to do with intellect but everything to do with being an unhealthy broken person who cannot connect emotionally with people , because you have to be in touch with who you are and what you feel. When you cannot put the needs of the less fortunate above what you want, or your needs to manipulate to get your way, there is something broken about who you are. Looking back over the course of events and how this perpetrator used anything he could get his hands on to “win” made me question my hostile feelings toward him and why I was so angry.
Why was I so angry? What was it that kept these feelings going and made me resent him having any happiness, or joy in life? Was it that he didn’t value me as a person when he had the opportunity? Was it how he used me, or would do anything he could, it seemed to inflict pain to get his way? Was it years of abuse, being cheated on, or being stole from? Or was it that he didn’t treat me with love and kindness? Within the last few months when my life turned upside down, and I questioned if there was indeed any up, the anger at who this individual was and is has stuck with me in the unhealthiest of ways. In light of how little he seems to respect life, especially mine I knew it was time for me to let go of the negative feelings I held for him. It wasn’t to help him, but because I not only loved myself but I knew I was worth it on so many levels and hang on to those feelings wasn’t helping me. Besides he fed off my negative feelings, it was what kept him going.
I am in the process of coming to terms with why I am so angry at him, but this is what I know so far. For years I tried to make things work and I was constantly blamed for and told his behaviors were a result of how I chose to deal with what was at hand, thereby giving me no resolution. I wanted him to get in life what he gave, yet life keeps giving him good things, which I am trying to wrap my head around. The fact someone so inhuman can be given so much yet someone who cares and is kind must suffer, well I don’t get it and probably never will. I t is hard for me to come to terms with and accept that he doesn’t have to be held accountable for the heinous things he has done, and he doesn’t care or have a conscience. Based on his actions and his lies I am not sure he is or isn’t aware of the things he does.
I know it is not healthy to hold onto these angry and sad feelings about how unfair it all is, or why I have had to lose so much. The pain I have suffered at his hands, isn’t hurting him, it only hurts me because I continue to hold on to them. I had hoped standing up to him, just by taking control of my life would be all I would have needed to do to get him to do an about face and leave me alone – it wasn’t. He has told me in the most unsettling of terms he is paying me back for what I did to him and he wants me to suffer. He holds something so precious over me and is daunting me with it, his way of saying he has won.
But in his made up game of high stakes no one wins. If there is a winner and a lose it means both are playing, I am not. The life you lead isn’t about winning, it is about how you can make the world a better place. How you can give to others and make life better for the people around you including yourself. By focusing on the here and now and improving your life it will help you improve the life of those around you. Finding the peace within and accepting this person for who he is, by hoping he can find the happiness he seeks, I in turn will not expel energy on holding on to negative feelings about him and the things he has done. I cannot spend my life caught up in fantasies if he will atone for his sins, he wasn’t accountable when I knew him, and he has only become more vindictive and hateful, at least toward me.
No one but me is responsible or in charge of my thoughts, feelings or actions. How I think, feel or act has to do with how I feel about myself and how in touch I am with who I am. The more I let go of negative emotions and circumstances the less they have power over me. I choose to make me own good fortune by letting go of these unwholesome thoughts and feelings, including how I see this person, who by allowing these negative feelings in, I allowed him to have power over me. At his hands I have suffered, had a treasure so rare taken and yet I gift him all the happiness in the world because he must not be at peace with who he is. The abilities I’m allowing to take fruit within me has allowed me the steps to find peace and acceptance, so I can work on forgiveness for everything that has come to pass. It is my hope he finds the fulfillment he seeks and in time can let go of hate and the revenge he seeks for me. All I did was leave him and make a life for myself.
I cannot change what has come to be, but I can work on what is and what is to come, and how I approach it and consequently handle it. Focus, clear focus and a deeper understanding of who I am from the inside out, adjoined with love and compassion, this is who I am working on being. The steps to get there are just as important for they like anything in life take work and devotion.