In life we take the time to learn about people we want to consider or consider as friends. We make a conscious effort to start and nurture a relationship in hopes the person will like and care for us as much as we are drawn to them. We see certain characteristics that draw us to the person they are and we have a willingness to do what is necessary to make a friendship.
But, what about who we are? Do we take the time to really evaluate and consider ourself as our own friend? Do we nurture who we are as a person and an individual and accept ourself in ways we would of someone we tell ourselves is a friend?
The truth of the matter is no we do not. We do not value who we are or what we have to offer and frequently sell ourselves short. We discredit ourself and let others dictate our perceptions of our world, the world around us and in fact who we are as people. We are more inclined to believe their perception and truth of who we are and not our own.
Much of this behavior, based on my own experiences and yes books I have read, is caused from domestic violent. Verbal, nonverbal and physical abuse is all considered acts of domestic violence. Domestic violence wasn’t only something I grew up with, but later when I married was how the person I married controlled me. I was unfortunate enough to experience domestic violence as a child and as an adult when I married an abusive controlling person who I stayed with for over 22 years, under the guise it was something I was doing wrong.
For much of my marriage I had no idea I was abused. Why? Because it was a normal environment and I had no idea it was wrong, so when I got married it never occurred to me I was abused. I though like most women who later go on to be survivors think, something is wrong with who I am, if only I did…
Here are ten things that most survivors have been taught to believe that are false:
- You can’t get what you want in life
- A difficult childhood experience cripples your life
- Everyone is equal with equal opportunities
- Expectations make it possible to get what you want
- You are a victim
- Mistakes are bad
- You have to be religious to be spirtitual
- It is better to give than receive
- You will feel good about yourself when you have the right job, mate, care, weight, money
- Get your wants before need
“National Center for PTSD, a prominent research and education organization that studies the psychological effects of trauma, has identified several scenarios that indicate red flags in an unhealthy relationship. An unhealthy relationship may be indicated when one partner:
• Has complete control of all household finances.
• Limits or completely closes off the other partner’s social life. He or she may isolate the other partner from friends and family.
• Consistently threatens to ruin the reputation of the other partner, especially after he or she has expressed a desire to end the relationship.
• Repeatedly tries to scare the other by breaking things, punching holes in the wall, and hurting or threatening to hurt pets.
• Systematically evokes feelings of guilt or shame in the other partner.
These types of coercive and controlling behaviors are often present in cases of domestic violence, and can have a profound impact on how a victim of abuse is able to function socially, even after leaving an abusive relationship. If an individual is financially dependent on his or her abusive partner, any decision to escape the abuse carries with it the real possibility of homelessness. One study (2003) showed that among a sample of 110 women who had experienced domestic abuse, 38% reported homelessness.
Issues of poverty and homelessness are closely linked to the abusive act of isolating an intimate partner from family, friends, and other sources of social support. Under normal circumstances, a person with strong social connections will look to his or her relatives and/or peers when assistance is needed. However, isolation from these support groups may cause the connections to wither. In the end, people who experience domestic violence might reason that they are completely alone in their struggles and former resources are no longer available”. CDV STATS
It took me years to get the courage to leave and ultimately divorce my ex husband. I was put through many horrific acts perpetrated against me and yes our children, and being told it wasn’t his fault. I believed him and discreadited my own perceptions becasue I felt I couldn’t possibly know what Was truth. It also took many years of counseling and personal growth to finally be able to figure out I had selfworth, I was smart and I was a valuable person. I had to unlearn damage done and be taught my feeling, thoughts and perceptions were heathy and right.
- I was and am worth and deserving of love
- Loving who I am is good
- It’s ok to make mistakes I’m not perfect
- Feelings are good and heathy
- Use talents you have
- All behaviors make sense
- People are your mirrors
- You create your own life and are responsible for who you are
- You can trust and listen to your intuition
- Don’t fear the unknown and embrace change
Most people who have suffered some form of domestic violence want to move past their past in healthy productive ways. They want to have personal healthy boundaries set up indicating who they are and above all they want them respected by others. To not care what other people think of them or worry what someone’s opinion of them might be, so they can live their lives in peace and tranquilly is a cornstone or any heathy person and one anyone who has suffered domestic violence wants. Above all, to healthily leave a past we’re someone else created the dynamic as a means of control over you and to no longer be subjected to its effects is freeing and liberating, and on the path the healing.
I don’t begin to have any answers, or all the answers but for me finding a healthier way to move past much of the termoil created my my abuser is what I am striving for. The risky way he has and is trying to control me, well it is more for him to maintain power over me. I see it and I chose to not be part to it or engage in it. My life is my own and it centers around me and the healthy people who want to and chose to be in my life.
On my journey to inner peace and heath I have made many changes as of recent. I’m embracing a new way of looking at my world and how I chose to focuse on the here and now. By embracing more mental discipline I have embraced a new mantra “you are here.” I need to have my center or gravity over my feet and focus on the point I’m am at now at the moment I am in this very second. I cannot worry about what is to come or what others think of me or what they choose to do or not do. What I need to worry about is where I am at this moment, what are my thoughts and feelings about this moment, am I more thoughtful in my approach? What is it I am experiencing in my body, and am I being true to my self. You see I need to keep my center of gravity over myself, it all starts with me.