When we are young, we do not realize how inept we really are at dealing with the pressures of life. As children, (not all of course) we anticipate what it will be like when we “grow up”, but nothing really can prepare you for the inexplicable struggles we each encounter. As the Buddha has stated, “all life is suffering”, which could not be further from the truth.
In the last few years, but even more so recently, I have succumb to many struggles both internally and externally and have had some colossal circumstances that have left me questioning my personal believes. Not so much religious beliefs, but my ways of thinking about life and how I deal with it.
I have come to realize the importance of loving others, how I handle the outside world and that I want more out of my life. In recent weeks my view of the world has changed on some fundamental levels and I find I need to do something about it. First and foremost, well, I really don’t have the words to accurately describe how sickened I am at how deplorably vindictive people I once allowed in my circle are and continue to be. This realization has made me wonder about so much because for me, people mean everything and I do mean everything, we are one and the same, or should be. With this realization I have begun to just let go and move on with my life and know who I am is not defined by them.
Second, I managed my stress wrong. I though I was managing it well but when events came into play, it was clear I indeed was not managing my stress. I would take care of everything I though I had control of, except myself. I have come to realize I do not have control of what I though I did, and truly the only thing I have control of, is how I chose to accept the situation and let it be part of me. Those stupid sayings like, “don’t let a situation control you, control it”, or “the only thing you have control of is you”, well they are not so stupid after all. They just feel stupid because I wanted to feel like I had some control in my life. Truth be told, the things I thought I had control of really had control of me.
In the last few weeks of having some great conversations with people, along with their insight, I have learned that in essence I can make the choice by how I treat myself and not allow myself to be affected. I realize, boy do I realize, that it is far harder than just saying it, but irregardless I will do it. I refuse, I REFUSE to give anyone ever again any power over me. I will not indulge any more. Plain and simple my life is too short, and they are not worth my time for me to feel any pain or sadness over the fact they don’t know how to be an integral part of this lovely world. We should give and help others, let go of hurt and anger, not hold on to it so it uses up space in our bodies and minds. I am not insinuating I am perfect, or even have the answers, but I know I don’t have time to put inessential people in my mind or heart. Those that are essential and don’t have the space for me, I hope they find what they need.
I sit here picturing in my mind, things that have passed. Dear memories and experiences that will forever live with me, filling me with love and warmth. I also remember painful, horrific experiences that as much as I’d like to forget will also live with me, but will help and have helped define who I am. The will continue to help me grow into the woman I am. As I continue on in my journey of life, thank you to all who’s life I have touched, who have touched my life and helped me to feel loved every day. Without each and every one of you and your love and support I wouldn’t be me.