The emotional turmoil of the previous night set heavy on me when I awoke early the next morning. No message had been set with an update which could mean one of two things, it was a calculated move or nothing had proceeded. Either way, I was kept out of the loop.The conclusion I came to lay fresh in my mind, and while not predetermined I was certain of what must happen. I knew in my gut this was all about control and money, even though I realized it and saw through it for what it was it still hurt. But I knew one thing for sure I had control of how I chose to react, feel and think.
I took ice from the freezer placed them on my eyes as I walked the dog, and tried to be in the moment. No longer was I emotionally frazzled, or sad about what had happened. Don’t get me wrong it hurt and badly, but as I have found so much of life can hurt.
I am a mother of three, I love my children more than words can express. I would and have done everything I believe a parent should do to give my children the love and stability they need. For most of my children’s lives I was the one who was there emotionally for them and who instilled the values they have, even while married. They came to me and I valued the people they were.
My marriage wasn’t a healthy one and for that I wish I could change the effect it had over them and how detrimental it was. My youngest suffered the greatest, but you cannot turn back what has been done. I know this, I’d move hell and high water for her and her sisters, and would do it as many times as it took to save her.
However I find now this beautiful girl I nurtured and loved has expanded her wings and I must accept it. I bow to her and close my eyes as I set her free. Be safe my love, you are always and forever in my heart.
My heart is heavy but at the same time I am in a trance like focus on what I need to do, will do. I refuse to allow her to be used as a pawn, and will not be the one to manipulate her. I lay down my arms.
I lay down my arms and take the high road.