I woke today snuggled under my covers, the fan blowing a coolness I have missed. Yet against the warmness of my room it didn’t feel as cool as it indeed was. Usually in (early) August you don’t wake to many 54 degree mornings, after all it is the height of summer.
The refreshing change, a nice respite for the work load ahead of me. There are many little things I need to finalize and take care of, next week being a culmination of some rather intense happenings.
My nerves are in overdrive as I wait impatiently for what is to unfold. There is a good chance a haphazard partnership will finally end, hooray! It’s long past time I move on with my life, and this step will allow that.
Over the course of these long months, I have realized what I want and need in a
partner. We put into words what we want/need but somehow I feel there is an intricate part missing in the description, as if we don’t truly understand what it is we are looking for. In a way the connection we seek we know in our minds eye what it will feel like, however, it eludes our deepest needs and desires.
Truth be told we also settle, for the mere fact because the person we are drawn to tells us they want what we do, yet their actions do not support the words they gush. I also feel we tend to assume the person we meet is good enough and in time will come around and be who we envision.
You cannot make someone into who you want them to be. No amount of explaining and hoping will change them. In fact they will become more ingrained in their behaviors.
It has taken a long time for me to realize this, and grow enough to realize what I need and definitively want.
First and foremost I want a friendship, one in which I don’t need to hide parts of myself, or be self conscious about other aspects of who I am.
I do not want a partner who is judgmental of my choices or beliefs, but instead accepts them as they show my individuality. I want someone I can trust to talk to openly, with no convoluted runaround or triangulation. I want to be able to depend on my significant other to follow through on what he says he will do, and who can stand by his word. Of course it goes without saying he should be emotionally stable, able to communicate in a nonaggressive, non-hostile manner and be open to perspectives other than his own. This doesn’t mean he has to accept them, just willing to the possibility of a different opinion.
My values have always been a corner stone of who I am. My need(s) for being honest and forthright come from my desire to live with integrity, happiness, and understanding. I am hard working, genuine, an altruistic woman and give with every ounce of who I am. I need someone who wants to be cared for and loved in this way and who will also do the same for me.
Of course we do not truly know a person, unless they want us to know them. That is part of the reason I feel we have those feelings of uncertainty. There is part of us who knows we are not experiencing the entire person because we are left with a hollow emptiness that we question over and over. We all have experienced this is friendships and I myself have also experienced it in my relationship with my ex spouse.
For too long I have allowed inferior people, (people who are passive aggressive, drama seeking individuals) in my life and let them take up space in my circle. I sever those ties, and the need to have people who don’t truly value me as the person I am. Don’t get me wrong I have faults and imperfection and I mess up, we all do, but I cannot have someone who doesn’t support me for who I am.