Who am I?

We all think in some way as an individual we are different. That no one could possibly understand what we are going through and dealing with. Sometimes I myself feel low and other times, well things that should hit me hard don’t, at least not at the time.Much of what I have had to pass through in my life I try to take in stride. I’m told that I’m a fighter and am strong. But what does that mean? It isn’t as if I truly have had a choice to change what is happening at present or along the way, or have a choice to not face it.

I feel like somehow I deserved all the things that have mounted on my plate. The time I spent in fear, hope and perseverance wanting something that never did exist.

Perhaps I was wrong to believe in the value of love, friends or family and should of though only of myself. Or maybe I though too much of myself and the picture of what my life should be.

I am faced with the reality and truth that the person I never really knew was insidious and I looked like a fool for standing by him. Year after year I allowed him to erode who I was, a fragile shell of a person. I undervalued myself and dismissed the skill set I possessed and as the years went by I became a shell of lost existence.

You cannot understand, or maybe you can, but from a young age I was told I was a no one and what I though/felt was wrong. If the people you should be able to count make you feel that way, how do you find who you are and learn to value yourself?

I realize I cannot just blame him, I am after all my own person. But he prayed upon those insecurities, my guess because he was projecting his feelings of himself. Instead of casting aside his cruelty I embraced it as truth, my truth. Lie after countless lie, I disappeared into a lost existence, believing his words while being confused by his actions.

I am faced with ongoing misfortune. I try to believe that “real” love is possible, but the fact remains you only know what you are shown. Interpretations whether right or wrong, form our beliefs. The couples’ house the ex to be stayed at, as I have said the woman was my friend. Meeting her one night, she got the impression I was attacking her, and as I was later told, coming at her and threatening her. She had not really talked to me in months but still took the ex’s word on what I was doing as truth, then proceeded to yell at me for what she believed was right. I was flabbergasted. I now realize she never knew me or really cared. She mistook my pain for an attack and my emotional state for a threat and his words as righteous. She made my situation about her and refused to see what her actions caused and yelled at me for the fact she confided in me about my soon to be ex and acted like I should be neutral with what she told me about him.

My ex lived rent free at the couples house for almost a year and continues to live rent free with his now girl friend, spending all his money on himself. He has remained under employed, lied about everything under the sun and yet I am the bad person.
Explain to me how that is possible? He lies, he lied and he is believe. I am honest, forthright and not believed. Why? I’m loud and I am upfront. Yep.   

There is a travesty going on. I finally realize I have to walk away. The person she is, my ex husband (hopefully soon) and others like them have one single trait in common, they are passive aggressive in their communication style and they seem to feed on drama.

I am face with some health issues, an inability to have my own place to live, and being what I feel as a nuisance burden to others. Yes as much as I would like to put the blame entirely on him, the fact remains I made the choice to stay for as long as I did and now I must pay the irrefutable price.

I am not strong. I do not have a choice. I need to face what is ahead of me with optimism and perseverance, as well as using this and other avenues as a sounding board. Yes it is personal, but I am so tied of walking in the shadows as if I should be ashamed of who I am.  I have nothing to hide, my actions speak volumes for who I am.  I deserve a good happy life and I embrace it.

Maybe I shouldn’t be so transparent, but I find it sets me free in a way that validates me. I need that.

I hope in time everything for me will work out, and I will have the life I am trying to make for myself. I am indebted to each and every one of you, who has given me any space in your mind, the thoughts you keep or your heart you care with.  I am not anyone special, I don’t stand out, but I do have tremendous value and love. I care, so much, more that you know and now I am out of the shadows perhaps there will be a place for me.

I can only hope my life will start to level off and I will finally have it all behind me.  I long for that day…


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