All in the hands of Determination 

The edible quality she seemed to think her nails had showed either how hungry she was or nervous. The sound of her gnawing, in a persistent manner only stopped when she assessed where next to bite, then she went back, as if no one were in the courtroom with her.

The continued focus on her hands, particularly her nails showed her lack of confidence and the insecurity she possessed. She was such an attractive woman, what did she have to feel insecure about?  

Really? Looking at her she possessed poise, was attractive, dressed nicely. Then again who was I to judge? For years I put up with deplorable behavior from my soon to be ex, yet he had people believing something was wrong with me. In some ways they were right, I stayed with him and put up with his heinousness, but really they had no idea what it was like. It took years to finally see he didn’t possess a conscious or care like you’d expect a person to. Yep, he could get people to think he was such a wonderful person. None of those people asked me or his children, had they perhaps they wouldn’t be so quick to judge [me] now.   

Nice guy? Yeah right.

Funny how time only moves slowly when you want it to move fast. When you want to be moved to a better place and time. You will it, but the only thing that comes is anxiety and more uncertainty. The unfortunate times feel more unpredictable because of their negativity. The feelings are difficult to deal with because of their capriciousness .

The limbo – Will I move forward? Will it be better? The hope it will be. What if it doesn’t?

I look at my own hands, precisely my nails. With all my stress, my nails look good.  Bout time! I look up and think as I look at her again, poor woman. I imagined I knew how she felt, at least I hope I did.

What a sucky place to be. I cannot imagine anyone being worse than my soon to be ex. I hope she didn’t have to deal with what I did. Water thrown on me, spit in my face, waken up every hour on the hour days in a row, knocked down in a rocking chair, breaking it into pieces and terrorizing me. How could I ever have though I was loved? Little does his girlfriend know. Bet she believes him.

Oh well not my problem.

I see why she was so nervous. She’s getting an order of protection. Poor thing.

As she walked passed me I looked at her in a sympathetic and loving way, as if to say I understood.  
She looked at me and seemed to be filled with fear and determination.  I knew that feeling.

In that instant I gained strength.  I can do this.  May this will be it.  I stood as our case was called.  Perhaps someone will see in me what I saw in her…. 

I now see it in myself. 🙂 


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