I’ve reached a point as of recent, where I am feeling lost. I’m bumbling over what direction I should take afraid of making any mistakes. Not that making mistakes are a bad thing, but fearful of repeating past mistakes I should have learned from.
I spent a good portion of time, going over and thinking about how afraid I was to repeat past mistakes. Was I more worried about repeating or falling into the same patterns that I found comforting? Were old patterns comforting or was it because I assumed they were being repeated because certain feelings came up. How would I know if things were different when my mind second guessed and mulled over experiences?
We all have a past that helps define us. Does that past have more control over how we feel and think in the present than the actual experiences? At what point is it clear things are different or more alike than should be? Is it how you feel that is the clue, or is how you feel the fear manifesting itself?
I was totally drained by the emotional toll these thoughts brought up. The uncertainty of what I was experiencing, and what these new feelings and thoughts mean. They totally numbed me making me want to sleep and hopefully awake with clarity and answers.
I know how past experiences made me feel and the aftermath from not being validated or affirmed, left me feeing alone and empty. While I can see and feel differences I can also see and feel similarities and that is unsettling.
Things should be different. But never being in this position before I’m totally lost. I want to figure this out, but at what point am I doing myself more harm than good? Is this a normal way to feel after being through what I have?
I feel sad, I feel scared, I feel uncertain and I feel perhaps it’s time to let go. If I’m having all
these feelings perhaps it isn’t natural and instead is a warning.
The fact of the matter is I don’t know. But I need to find out and soon.