Marriage is about commitment and being tethered to another person in a way you are with no one else. It means being transparent, open, forthright and sharing yourself in ways you would with no one else.
But so too often it seems that for what ever reason marriage is not what it should be. The bliss you experience when you wed, well do you really feel happy because you are married or because what your expectation of marriage are?
I know for me I expected honesty, to know my spouse like the back of my hand and not be lied to. The fact remains I was… over and over again. I wonder if it is due in part because his expectation of marriage were skewed and unrealistic, in addition to the fact he looked for happiness not in himself but in me.
A post I read today really outlined what my expectations were for marriage. Every single one of the things he stated were done to me, which sparked my writing today. My expectations of marriage were sadly not something I experience ever. I was married for 22 years and in all that time I didn’t have the deep committed feelings I wanted, the I know you inside and out way you should know someone or I got your back feeling.
Marriage should build you up. Marriage should make you feel like the person is an extension of you, but you are your own person. Marriage should make you feel safe, secure and like you have someone to count on. I didn’t get that. I reacted to the criticism, the triangulation, the passive aggressive attacks and it changed me. I can still feel how the fear welled up in my throat and how I shook so badly when I found out he cheated on me. He says he never did, but the things he said and shared is something you should never do, not to mention I had indisputable proof. Even with proof he still to this days says otherwise.
How anyone could treat another person so terribly, and in the loathsum ways he did, well, it took years for me to realize it was him and his issue. I just happened to play a part in the dynamic he fed off. I know know if you change your behavior you can changes how someone reacts to you. Instead I fed in, I realize that now.
When I filed for divorce and walked away it was easy to do. I had stayed long enough to know I had done everything I could, however at a cost. It affected our children in ways I wish I could change and it hurt them deeply. The people he was staying with were long time friends, and the wife, well, I would have though she knew me better. I realized she didn’t and was more willing to believe his triagulated half truths then what was actually the case.
At one point she told me I needed to stop being so angry and move on. I was taken aback because I wasn’t angry, I was done, and responded, I’m not angry, I’m done. She often would say things she had no clue asto what she was talking about. Nor did she take the time to ask me, she just believed what he told her as being truth. I dont lie, so it hurt along with her saying it was easier to believe him because he was quiet and I was loud and aggressive.
What this entire experience has taught me is you really don’t know anyone in life. You can think you do, but as my fellow blogger said in not so many words, is you really don’t know anyone.
I wish this wasn’t the case. My guess is the people who are happily married their entire live’s are the ones who have taken the time to be transparent, open and honest and willing to share who they are, completely.
I don’t know how these people are different from the average person, but they are. They have a richness I only have dreamt of having in my relationships. I’ve always know what I have wanted, but getting it hasn’t been obtainable for me, I don’t know if it could ever be, and while I stated marriage, really any good relationship and/or friendship should also meet the same criteria. It just makes sense to me. Perhaps I’m an oddball, for wanting this, but I’m ok with that, because to me it signifies a healthy relationship and a way of life we should all drive for.