I wanted to share something, but I’ve been unsure what to write. I’m sitting outside watching a girls softball game for no other reason but because it isn’t something I’d normally do. Things in my life are not as I want them so I focuse on the things I do want. When I write I feel connected and right now I need that.
The clouds are gorgeous against the blue late afternoon sky. Reminds me of paintings I’ve seen at the Art Institute for the romantic period. Of course these pictures do not do the sky justice. Only seeing the sky in person, feeling the amazing breeze against my bare arms, hair blowing off my shoulders, do I really feel connected. Pictures can evoke feeling only based on experience but their is nothing like the real thing.
I wish I could adequately express how and why nature elicits the feelings I feel, or why nothing has ever made me feel so alive and appreciative, but somehow my words never come close. Perhaps that’s what made me such an oddball. Well I do not think I’m an oddball but I get the sense people see me like that. I’ve never been a materialistic person, or drawn to people for what they have, but rather for who they are.
I have been a part of then minimalist movement before it was a movement. I’ve never understood waste, or over buying or people who like flash over content or doing more, more, more. It has always been important to me to understand and know people and the content of who they are.
So why has it been so difficult for me to find people who are like me? I’m a pretty simplistic, easy going person, who believes in being true to oneself. I have a deep intellect but not about superficial things and I’m not one to just settle.
As simple as nature is it is also complicated and I have such respect for it. Actually I have respect for people too, and am ok letting people be who they are, even if I do not agree with them or they don’t agree with me. I assimilate and accept, so why can’t I be accepted?
I listen to people talk and hear how great their family’s are, the relationships they have, how much they love their significant other and I wonder, what did I miss? I’m a pretty nice person, semi attractive, easy going, and I have never had someone who was respectful of me and loved me like they describe.
My nuclear family sucked. Their was no affection or acceptance for who I was. My parents should have never been parents. My marriage I intendit it to be for life. But at some point I had to take care of myself, so I left. Yes, I do have my children, but I am there for them they shouldn’t be their for me in the same way. At least not until they are older.
I have an emptiness within me and all the garbage that has happened to me makes me wonder when will it be my time? I’m constantly told I don’t deserve what has happened, that I’m a wonderful person, and yet it hasn’t helped.
I’m starting to lose my faith and belief that doing the right things and treating people with kindness will give back to me. I’ve always been like this and as I age I’ve become more true to my values and beliefs, and it has gotten me no where.
The only faith I have left is in the beauty nature gives me. As I look at the sky, I wonder if some day my time will come, or if it has set with the sun.