The Drive

I took some time to think about what I wanted to write today.  I didn’t want to continue on the loop I have been on as of late.  I know it can take some time when things happen to be able to regroup and break out of the cycle. 

I’ve gone though everything today in my head, but nothing sticks out as something I want to share.  I figured as I wrote it would come to me, so here goes.

I’ve had a busy day, most of my days are busy during the week.  I run from job to job adding miles to my car and at night run the girls around when they need it. I overall dislike driving, but I do emmesly like my job(s) and I have kids as I said.  Besides we really don’t live in a world that makes it easy to not have a car.

I like the fact I have a variety of  skills, but at the same time I wish I was in one place.  I dislike running all over from place to place as driving seems to excellerate (yes I know) how fast you move in a way that feels, well, unnatural to me. I’m perfectly content running around on my own two feet, I’m in control of that.

I would consider myself someone who does not like to and cannot sit still under normal circumstance.  I’m organized, quick, neat (most of the time), and a go getter. From a young age I was taught, “Don’t put it off if you can do it now.” There was no later.  I’m not sure if this helped entirely frame who I was, or if the fact my dad was a control freak about how and when things should be cleaned.  Or if it was part of who I was, for all I know it is all of it together. 

 In any case, when I process what I am doing, it is with the goal of getting it done now. Somehow driving doesn’t afford the same feeling as being hands on. But as I have aged I have become able to enjoy the process more of taking my time, but I still feel at times anxiety rising.  Sometimes I’ll catch myself saying I need to get it done, need to get it done.  I’m pretty good when I get in a rhythm not even realizing what I’m doing.  

With mundane jobs it’s ok to not realize and be done before you know it, but over all I’m not entirely convinced it is good to be so driven.  (Lol) why?  Well, take driving, the reason I dislike it is I can’t get it done now.  I’m a pretty resourceful person and will find the quickest and easiest way to do something, and well. I also like to have the ability to experience it in natural and authentic way. 

Yet when other people or cars are in the mix you need to deviate and take into account, you just can make snap choices, go fast (safely and within the confines of the law). Besides it hard on your vehicle.  Driving doesn’t work like that, believe me I’ve tried.  

For me the worst is when there is heavy traffic or I have a long distance to drive.  I can feel my anxiety rise, and I get board, then impatient.  Over all I’ve gotten better at not letting the anxiety take over by staying calm.  But still. Go, go, go!

As odd as it sounds I have found that not allowing the anxiety to set up a presence and take over helps me remain calm and in control.  However once you lose focus and let the anxiety take over,  the situation becomes unbearable.  The key is to not lett your emotional state take control.

How does one go about achieve this?  Well, it isn’t easy.   The only way I have learned to do this is by having an emotionally fragile child I had to learn to help teach it was ok, while I was learning with her.  There was no way in hell I was giving up on her or letting her give in. I also have been give an increadible gift of being able to work with a team of individuals who have taught me eye opening ways of working with behaviors.  All I can say is it is like watching  the Wizard of Oz when it changes from black and white to color.  Yeah that profound. 

It also helps I’m extremely observant.  I pick up detail, about anything and everything and I have a willingness to want to learn. To be the best as what I do.  I don’t compete against anyone but myself so my motives are altruistic in nature.  

Of course I get genuine satisfaction which does feed my ego, but I’m proud I’m giving.  I love knowing what I do matters.  Driving just drives me insane.  Not exactly where I want to go in life.  


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