Peace of Mind

It’s such a beautiful day out.  I wish I could properly enjoy it, but I have to tell you I feel awful.  I have a cough, can’t smell and my glands hurt,  oh and my head pounds.  

I still have yet to get dressed, the tranquility  here is heaven.  There is no one complaining about the girls, what we do wrong or how we respect nothing.  I am not being told “you need to talk to…about…”.  This is a needed respite.  

My life is about to undergo so major changes of which I am apprehensive about but they are needed.  I’m really in a good frame of mind, just have too much on my plate to sound as if I make any sense, let alone look like I do.  

Don’t worry overall I’m above water.  It hasn’t been easy staying  here and from time to time I’ve swallowed some, but thank goodness I’m a great swimmer through shit. 

I do not expect handouts.  I don’t want them.  Yet I have no idea where my life will take me.  I can say I’m not very optimistic or sure anymore. Taking that step into the abyss is terrifying.

 I do have a great group of people who clearly care for and love me and that is helpful.  I just wish I had some answers.  It seems even if you are a good person it doesn’t matter.  I cannot tell you how many uses I have found for lemons; the proverbial  lemonade. 

I’m a fighter and work hard and yet it feels like there is no end in sight.  I need to come up with an action plan this week.  I have a heaping pile of personal drama I need to put an end to, no matter what the outcome. Do not ever underestimate me. 

 I do not want to burned anyone with my issues any more than I have.  I do not want to be felt sorry for.  What I want is your strength, to feel you have my back (so to speak), your support, love and genuine care, and an ear.  The more support the better.

I have no family save my father.  He isn’t emotionally kind and is distructive to your psyche. That is the last thing I need.  If I were to wish him a happy Father’s Day he would make a snarky remark and say stop the dumb stuff.  Living with him is insanity. I feel it, the girls feel it, as it eats away at us, changing the very thing we already left.  

I’m done being stymied, told I have something wrong with me when I know the truth and so does everyone else.  They are not blind only you seem to be.  In the end you will be become Mr Ratatouille.

Charm is only as good as the person.  If you fake it, people know.  The integrity I have and drive, and the fact I’m honest will be to my benefit.  I don’t know how this chapter will close, but known it’s in its final rewrite.  

Let me know your thoughts.  I welcome them as I move into the abyss. 

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