Yesterdays meeting was not a postive defining moment for me, where I’d say wow I did a great job handling myself. On the contrary I lost it. I had an unpleasant meeting (one of many I’m assuming) for my divorce.
The arduous meeting was long, drawn out and draining. I lost composure and let the dynamic that ensued define me. Every damn button I let be pushed. Why? I guess I was expecting him to be different. After being with someone for as long as I was they know how to get under your skin, and boy did he.
I want to make something clear, he did not get under my skin because I still care for him, he got under my skin because I stayed with him and realize he has always been the person he is. Every time I have met with him I erroneously expect him to be fair, not blame me for how our children process him, and take some responsibility. I am shocked at how I never realized how he was and that our children are the losers in this all and I am blamed for the entirety.
I did not and do not cause how people perceive him. I only cause how people perceive me. As much as he thinks I talk about him, it really is me talking about ME, my experience and how this has effected me. We shared a life and as much as I want it to be over I harbor negative feelings just as he does. This blog helps me process feelings, not just about our divorce, but about my life in general, the good, bad and everywhere inbetween.
I don’t want to be a negative person, really I’m not. I’m in a bad situation and I’m working on blossoming and growing from my experiences. I’m being culpable for my actions and admitting faults, truth be told I’m expecting fairness where none exists. I’m expecting the high road, but it is flooded out. I’m expecting the unexpected which isn’t healthy. The truth of the matter is, I need to let go of expectations that there is fairness and just accept I won’t get it.
The divide is clear, people I considered my life friends are gone. What I say and write it seen as propaganda and fuel is added to the fire. I’ve come to the conclusion saying goodbye to those who clearly don’t represent Switzerland is the best things to do. Sides have been chosen so I will make the chose and server the link. I’m not going to be part of this drama, it’s too much, it’s draining and harmful and not just for me.
It took leaving the room and talking to my lawyer for me to regroup. She is a good woman and helped me see the fool I was being. By spending the few minutes out of the room with her it helped me clearly see I was overwhelmed and had allowed myself to be drawn in where I couldn’t even reason, making an awful situation worse.
I just want this to be over. I am supporting me and two children on the money I earn, and helping our third when I can. I can’t pay rent or contribute to the bills and am painfully reminded of that fact. I just can’t believe I was with someone who would seems to believe divorce means you are not responsible and that at 18 children are wiped from your life and responsibility. The arbitrary choices one makes have real consequences. Yes even mine.
How anyone could think there is any pleasure in this for me, really just doesn’t know me at all. I’m so sad that this is the reality of true colors revealed, that I have lost friends I’ve had since high school, that expressing my feelings has to be about him and is seen as such, when it is about me and how this is affecting and effecting me. He just happens to be an unfortunate part of it just as I am in his assessment.
This is my life, my experience and writing helps me. I write for me. I write so maybe perhaps I can help someone else, that I can rise above and see clearer (in retrospect many times) but also gain insight and not repeat but blossom in full glory. That I can let go, learn, grow and understand myself better.
Writing for me has become an art and the gifts I gain have been an amazinng and uplifting experience. I just want to be able to say hey I did it. My kids need me and I need me to thrive, writing helps do that.
For the first time in my life I feel free. I know I’ll always have those who judge me and decide they know who I am and what they believe I’m up to. I know who I am, what I believe and stand for. As what I’m up to, it is living my life with love, happiness and integrity and living out and following my dreams, every last one of them.
Please I want to hear from you. I want to grow from this experience in every conceivable way. Life is too short to entertain negativity for any length of time, hell it shouldn’t even be part of my vocabulary.