I’m a project person. I become so excited when I start to create. I love making things, I love following through on an idea to the finish. The word can’t isn’t in my vocabulary, it’s as if it doesn’t exist.
There have been road blocks, but you better believe I find a way to remove them. If they can’t be removed then they become part of the design, so undetectable you wouldn’t be able to point them out.
It isn’t as if I try to hide them out of shame, I conceal there affect on my life because they in some ways become a supporting part. By acting like they don’t exists is saying parts of me don’t. But by incorporating then into my story I give them no control over me but allow them to just be.
I find I wouldn’t be were I am without the road blocks. I dont even hate my ex husband. Yes he was awful but without that experience I wouldn’t be who I am now. You know what, I love the woman I am.
My daughter said, ” but you hate dad.” I said no I don’t. So I explained to her how I felt. I said, “did you ever have a friend you just couldn’t be friends with for things that they did? You just decided you couldn’t be around them, but if you saw them or ran into them, you had no feelings, you just didn’t care?” She seemed to then understand me. “I don’t hate your dad, I don’t care for him, I don’t wish him I’ll will. That isn’t for me to decide.”
Then she said, ” but you don’t want me to see him.” I said, ” just because I don’t have a relationship with him doesn’t mean you can’t have one. I’m ok with you having one. Right now my job it to make sure you are healthy enough to have that relationship, it isn’t about me but you. You have friends who are friends with people you don’t care for, does it bother you?” She replied, “no I don’t care.” “Right, exactly how I feel!”
Divorce is hard on me as an adult, but I also remember how hard it was on me as a child. The feelings you have you can’t define and the emptiness you feel, well stays with you. It is unfair expecting children to choose sides and cause more emotional trauma for them in an already difficult dynamic.
As an adult I have a choice of outlets and experience can help guide that, but for a child, they are trying to navigate growing up and then you take some of their identity away. Our identity is so important. It took me years to come into myself. Being a child of divorce I didn’t want to do to my children what was done to me. I didn’t want to create more unnecessary empty feelings and uncertainty.
While I cannot totally prevent how hard this is for them I can buffer it by putting my best foot forward and giving them the best parts of me. They didn’t choose this, they came along for the ride. My job it to make the ride memorable in a good way. I intend on creating that postive, loving, supporting environment they not only need but crave.