Stratosphere; Where There is Peace.

I wanted to share something, but I’ve been unsure what to write. I’m sitting outside watching a girls softball game for no other reason but because it isn’t something I’d normally do.  Things in my life are not as I want them so I focuse on the things I do want.  When I write I feel connected and right now I need that. 

The clouds are gorgeous against the blue late afternoon sky.  Reminds me of paintings I’ve seen at the Art Institute for the romantic period.   Of course these pictures do not do the sky justice. Only seeing the sky in person, feeling the amazing breeze against my bare arms, hair blowing off my shoulders, do I really feel connected.  Pictures can evoke feeling only based on experience but their is nothing like the real thing.  

I wish I could adequately express how and why nature elicits the feelings I feel, or why nothing has ever made me feel so alive and appreciative,  but somehow my words never come close.  Perhaps that’s what made me such an oddball.  Well I do not think I’m an oddball but I get the sense people see me like that.  I’ve never been a materialistic person, or drawn to people for what they have, but rather for who they are.

I have been a part of then minimalist movement before it was a movement.  I’ve never understood waste, or over buying or people who like flash over content or doing more, more, more. It has always been important to me to understand and know people and the content of who they are.  

So why has it been so difficult for me to find people who are like me?  I’m a pretty simplistic, easy going person, who believes in being true to oneself.  I have a deep intellect but not about superficial things and I’m not one to just settle. 

As simple as nature is it is also complicated and I have such respect for it.  Actually I have respect for people too, and am ok letting people be who they are, even if I do not agree with them or they don’t agree with me.  I assimilate and accept, so why can’t I be accepted?  

I listen to people talk and hear how great their family’s are, the relationships they have, how much they love their significant other and I wonder, what did I miss?  I’m a pretty nice person, semi attractive, easy going, and I have never had someone who was respectful of me and loved me like they describe.

My nuclear family sucked.  Their was no affection or acceptance for who I was.  My parents should have never been parents. My marriage I intendit it to be for life. But at some point I had to take care of myself, so I left.  Yes, I do have my children, but I am there for them they shouldn’t be their for me in the same way.  At least not until they are older. 

I have an emptiness within me and all the garbage that has happened to me makes me wonder when will it be my time?  I’m constantly told I don’t deserve what has happened, that I’m a wonderful person, and yet it hasn’t helped.  

I’m starting to lose my faith and belief that doing  the right things and treating people with kindness will give back to me.   I’ve always been like this and as I age I’ve become more true to my values and beliefs, and it has gotten me no where. 

The only faith I have left is in the beauty nature gives me.  As I look at the sky, I wonder if some day my time will come, or if it has set with the sun.

Happy Birthday

Today, my middle child turns 18.  I woke with her asking me to zip up her dress frantically as she was late for work, after she left and I had the ability to finally awake fully I realized what day it was and immeadiately called her. 

She knows I’m dead ass broke and isn’t expecting anything for her birthday.  Knowing this she envied me out to lunch and a walk afterwards to celebrate her day.  Of course I ended up paying the bill.  It’s the least I can do, I’d actually like if I could do more.  Instead I will just show her my love, respect and admiration.  

We both ordered, her something vegan and I a cheese burger. While waiting I snacked on bread sticks and ate soup.  When my food finally came I had sucked down three iced teas and ate about 4 breadsticks with my soup. The burger while good had no place to go but home with the fries as I was stuffed.  

The walk as she stated, was a let down, as the place she took us was more a field than a path.  But it was outside and with her, so I’m happy.  

During our meal she asked what her curfew was and if I was upset she was around someone who smoked.  I told her she needed to check in at cerfew time but really didn’t have one, she needed to be responsible and I’d be ok.  In addition if she wasn’t out too late I’d be ok.  She seemed satisfied. As for the smoking, good choice and what ever she decided.

I’m pretty blessed.  My children have always been open and honest with me and are people I can trust to do the right thing.  I’m not saying I know all their deep dark secrets, but I’m pretty sure they really don’t hide much from me.  Of course there are certain things I do not want to know and they don’t want to share.  That’s perfectly ok by me.

I love that my daughters are so close to me and like me as a person.  They really like to spend time with me on a consistent basis,  and I like who they are an awful lot.  As I mom I’m pretty blessed to have a great relationship and bond with my children.  I’m the lucky one.  

Happy Birthday beautiful daughter!

The Draw of Polarity 

When I was a kid I had this magnet I loved for no other reason but I could. I loved watching how it was attracted to other medals, and how strong it’s polarity was.  It was a red u shaped magnet and it had a silver colored base (the size of a piece bazooka gum) that belonged to it at one time.  I don’t know when but the base disappeared.  My guess is because it really wasn’t needed for the magnet to work, however it really worked best with the magnet.  

When I was a young child, it was on the side of our fridge where I’d play with it all the time. When I wasn’t playing with it, it held papers on the side of the fridge where I’d slide it all over.  I can remember the substantial strength of the magnet and as a child struggling to pull it off the fridge.

When my parents divorced I took the magnet with me where it sat on my mother’s fridge until I moved out on my own.  As long as I can remember I have had that magnet and while it is a superficial item it has alway had sentiment value to me.  Occasionally I pick it up, reminisce as I feel the cool metal as my childhood comes flooding back. 

The magnet isn’t as red as it once was, bare metal shows through from being handled so much, but I do believe I’ll have it my entire life.  There aren’t many things I can say that about, or people for that matter.  

Relationships are much like magnets.  You meet someone and the attraction pulls you together, as if you are meant to be.  Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason as to why attraction takes place.  You hope it is spontaneous, you hope you don’t keep repeating or being drawn to the same type of person.  But how do you really know they are wrong until you’re drawn in?  Will the person be your base or will your polarity push them away because they really aren’t meant for you.  

What really is it that draws you to another?  Is it because you seek out (without realizing it) the same traits without knowing you are? For what ever reason you just want that person in your life?  I am scared to death I will be drawn to someone as deplorable as my ex.  I’m not ok with passive aggressive behavior or entitlement, both of which he was and I also grew up with; but how do I prevent [my] history from repeating? While passive aggressive behavior isn’t healthy or ok, I know it, so therefor am I doomed to repeat finding another passive aggressive mate? 

I cease to stop being myself around a person who is passive aggressive.  Not out of fear, but I’ve always been taught to just accept it and move on.  My needs, wants desires are suppressed because I genuinely don’t mind compromise, I do however hate being taken advantage of, or being given a double meaning, which inevitably happens and as a result I no longer can be comfortable being myself.   

I don’t want to have to explain my feelings, or why I was hurt like something is wrong with me. I want someone better in my life than I settled for (in the past).  I want to find someone who can be up front, who thinks of me and recognizes and appreciate our differences and doesn’t expect me to settle. Say what you mean, why is it so hard?  I want a real base, I don’t want a repeat. Until I find my (true) base,  the fridge will work.  It’s not an ideal fit but it has lasted.  At least I’m front and center:) that way. 

A Sunny Disposition

ūüé∂Today is a sunny sunny sunny today is a sunny sunny day.  ūüé∂

Most days when the weather is sunny out we sing this to each child individually.  We take our pointer finger and gently touch the periphery of their face as the song is sung.  The children smile brightly.  

Their faces, and just being around them change my outlook on my own life, daily.  It’s hard to feel sorry for yourself in any capacity for very long, when knowing that their disabilities are lifelong and limit so much of their lives.  However that being said when milestones are met it is a celebration.  

I take such joy in being able to be a part of their life. Helping them helps me especially with how nondirectional my life seems to be as of late.  I feel as if I am stuck in limbo and no amount of leverage I apply helps me move.  Like a heavy rock stuck in a deep divet, you can’t seem to get enough fulcrum applied so the rock will be forced to move.  

I’ve bent every way you can imagine and yet it isn’t enough. My ex is so full of anger and rage toward me and doesn’t care how or what he inflicts.  It’s sad really.  He is the hold up on why we aren’t moving forward.  He would rather make me suffer, for spite it seems.

I’m not really suffering, however life is difficult and at times unhappy but I really try to find something that brings me joy all the time.  The kids I work with are my saviors, as well as the people who have had me do work for them – I’m given purpose, if only for a fleeting momen.  Then of course there are my children and friends, who I love dearly because of who they are. 

I can’t imagine not having the love and support in my life as I do in the ways I’ve been blessed to receive it.  Each and every one of you has shown me love, respect and care.  I am one who will give one hunderd percent, and know if I wasn’t who I was you would not be who you were to me.  

Please to not think for an instant I take anything you have done for me for granted.   Some day I hope I can give back all of the love and support you gave me, because I want you to know I so appreciate it.  I have no idea where my life is going, no one truly does, I just know the road is so much more sunny with you in it.

Today is a sunny sunny sunny today is a sunny sunny day.  

Over Drive

Constantly, I feel like I have wheels moving in my head.  The gears of thought, plans and purpose turn over and over propelling me forward.  Sometimes they try to come up with the unknown, which isn’t possible.  

Over the course of the last two weeks my gears were in overdrive.  So many many things going on I could almost feel the movement of thought in my head.  Afraid to have it suddenly stop I pushed on.  

It never did just stop, however it did slow to a considerably realistic speed. My thoughts no longer raced passed in a blur, and I had time to sort out feelings from thought and find some hope.  

Yes there was so much to contend with, so I stopped trying to work on all of it, and focused on what I could contend with.  Somehow by find purpose in something else it usually helps me find the answers to what was driving my thoughts so ferociously. 

Maybe it is the fact only my subconscious is working on it, or I find answers for other questions when my focus is deviated. In any case, the answers to the moment at hand, was yes, I could find inner peace by focusing on something I loved.  I spent days working on a garden space.  It was hard work, but also relaxing, cathartic, and satisfying.  I dug in the soil, pulled weeds, fixed boarders and finally planted.  

The soil prep is so important, and seeing how beautiful if can become by just losening it up is so satisfying, plus it smells good.  I marveled at the satisfaction I got just from this simple act alone and frankly how in awe I was by its beauty. 

The weeds came out remarkably easy, I had to smile.  It turns out that while the homeowner loved her weeds she also loved a weed barrier even more!  Fleeting thoughts passed through my mind, “how nice these came out so effortlessly.”  I likened it to my own life and how difficult things presented themself at first.  I wondered what was my weed barrier?  

The thing about gardening is I have the ability to let my thoughts go and have no focus but what I am doing.  Thoughts will from time to time pop into my head, but mostly my focus is on the repetitive relaxing feel I get on so many levels from gardening.  

I feel my muscles working, my hands gripping, the sweat pouring down my face, I feel absolutely connected to what I’m doing in such a exhillerating way. To know I have an ability to create such beauty when frankly it seems to be lacking in my own life at present is uplifting.  

I cannot even begin to tell you the absolute joy I got from creating their garden.  I so hate heavily landscaped house fronts. I’d rather have an artistically whimsical welcoming feeling that is enviting.  Even formal gardens can be welcoming, but so many of the designs people have at their houses seem to make you feel you are not welcome. 

Nature is about being welcome.  Perhaps that’s why I like it so much.  In my own life so much feels like I don’t belong. Especially as of late.  While I got to be creative, and myself while designing the homeowners garden, the sad reality is I don’t have that for myself anymore.  

Today it is back to reality, harsh, heavy and unwelcoming. I can only hope the wheels that were quieted won’t speed back up and I am flung back into the chaos that is my life.  

Arborvitae Conspiracy 

Funny how creativity hits. I have been working on a landscaping job for a friend. The space is already layed out, I just needed to come up with a design, take out what was in existence (mostly weeds and ground cover) and then plant.  

As I was turning over the soil I realized in the middle of a mound of weeds was a hydrangea.  Inspiration hit.  I dug up the hydrangea and moved it to its new home.  In a matter of seconds (in my head) I had concocted a rough idea of what I was going to plant.  

I moved the bench, positioning it to its new home.  I proudly stood looking at the enviting feel these small changes made.  The few remaining plants were moved to there new perspective homes and haphazardly watered. I stood back at the now cleared space envisioning (poorly) what the finished area would look like.  I knew I would get hostas; the homeowner seemed to like them, plus they had low light demand, as well as low maintenance. I knew I’d get grasses but other than that I had nothing. 

The next day on my way home from spending hours weeding another small space, I stopped at the local garden store to get some plants for the house I was working on. I filled the cart.  It wasn’t like I had a picture in my head, I just grabbed plants.  The theme I chose was based on color and texture.  I worked on pairing plants that I though would give the homeowner the feel she wanted.  (If not I myself got that feel). 

She gave basic details of what she liked, bold, popping color, and plants she said she wanted that were on her property, (all three of them).  When asked if she wanted any trees, she clearly looked at me as if I’d lost my mind and said, “ah, no trees!” 

Knowing how her house was decorated I felt pretty confident I could put together something she would like.  However I disregarded her “No tree comment”, and proceeded to get what I thought she would like; a Japanese Maple.  Besides it was half off, doesn’t grow very tall and has gorgeous fall color. All pluses in my book!

It took two days of plant shopping, me going in grabbing plants putting them in my cart, bringing them back, positioning them, digging the holes and placing the gems in their new homes to complete the homeowners new designed space.  I tied the entire front together, in a way that didn’t seem to have a total planed cookie cutter feel.  The two diffent sides while not matching, matched. 

To help with water, i.e. drainage,  I chose grasses, and based on the sunlight pattern I tried to plant plants that would work thoughtout the day, as sunlight requirements changed. Because I am not a totally fan of the heavy look evergreens give, I try to limit their use, and will use them more as a texture plant, which I did.  

I’m sure it was funny watching me.  I’d bring plants out, and place them where I wanted them to go.  I had no plans I was going off of,  but I knew exactly where the plants needed to be – there was no indecisiveness.  

Lastly I finished up with annuals as a boarder, then watered.  Clearly the homeowner isn’t a gardener, there was no hose, or so I thought. On my go over of the back yard I found the hose, nestled in weeds!!!  

I have to say I love the job I did.  I hope the homeowner gets as much out of it as I did creating it.  If not she is welcome to move! Lol.  

Naw it’s all good. 

Synopsis 

I cringed when I walked into the room, he like me was waiting for our meeting to begin.  Looking at him I couldn’t believe we were married. What did I ever see in him? Really? 

He was younger than me, but he sure didn’t seem like it.  His posture was a bit hunched, and he waked in a lurching way.  Which drew me to his wrinkiled clothing- so unkempt. The clothes looked like he had been in them all week.  

Looking him over, a though passed through my mind, “he looks god awful.”  His hair was slicked back but not from product, my guess is it had been days since he showered.  Yuck.  His skin color looked off. But then again it had for some time. Probably why he was so sick recently. 

It was no longer my concern.  His girl friend, Amy, now had him as a burden.  If she only knew.  If she only knew.  My guess is she believed every word he said, because why would he lie? I had wondered that for years.  When it came down to it, his behavior was narcissistic, classic signs.  Well at least I felt so. A though passed through my mind, “I’m glad he’s gone, Amy can deal with his games.” I smiled.  

My guess is he was probably thinking, “Oh she is trying to make me think she is happy.” I was happy.  He was almost out of my life, except for the occasional communication due to the children.  The I’m going to triangulate you type. Sigh.  I had restablished who I was as an individual and ready to be on my own, and couldn’t wait until the twins were no longer miners. Only a few more years! 

It sucked, if they only knew what a dead beat their dad was.  But it was their choice to see him. I hand no qualms about it, as long as he put the twins first.  But that was the issue, he never put any of our children first.  In any case he was their father.  Just maybe he would change now things were so different.   

Hearing him speak I knew that would never happen.  He was the same little man he always was, petty and mean.  I knew I had done such a good thing when I left him.  Funny how fear can hold you back, and then wham, you leave and realize how much better things are.  In so many ways I was now at peace. 

The twins, the only children who didn’t cut him out of their lives. The others did. While I got it, it really bothered me that his behavior drove them away. He never was parental. The other three wanted nothing to do with him.  I shook my head as my thoughts of what he had destroyed passed through my mind.

Alone. I couldn’t imagine how lonely and isolated he must feel. He sure did have to tell himself lies to accept the fact his children no longer acknowledged him.  That’s the thing, we all have power and unwittingly his behavior and actions pushed away his children, save the twins. Hopefully he could be a better person for them. 

I looked up.  So odd not to feel anything for him, but I was glad I didn’t. I didn’t even want to be here.  But after all I had to.  “In the end it will work out,” I thought I knew it would.  I was strong.