Instead of just writing a new chapter of my life, I’m writing an entire new book. The new story is all new to me, as is the case when you reinvent who you are. Why am I doing this? Well, with everything I have experienced and had to deal with, it made me realized I wasn’t putting myself first, not how you should if you value and love who you are. As a result of my realization, I also came to the conclusion I sold myself short, was afraid to push out of the self induced boundaries, was uncomfortable doing thing on my own and was missing out on my life by not having fulfilling experiences.
I married thinking like most woman do, that I’d have my happily ever after. I truly did everything a wife should do, plus more. You name it I could do it and would, not because I had to necessarily, but more because I didn’t mind… overall. I love the fact I can do all that I can, but I also didn’t have the choice financially to have the luxury of paying a professional or counting on my spouse.
I did expect my husband to step up as a reasonable person, however I could not even depend on him to follow through. The only thing I could depend on him for was to be undependable, dishonest and passive aggressive, things that didn’t help and hindered the natural progressing of moving forward.
Being around all these types of behaviors changed me, in most ways for the worst, but in others for the better. It took many, many years but I did gain back a good self esteem albeit the hard way and I eased into a gentler version of myself. I’m still seeing positive changes take place within myself the further I move away from my past.
I do not fault my soon to be ex, I realize, that’s how he was raised, as well as how he experienced life. It just shows he doesn’t have the same baseline of morals or desires to be the good in our world in the same way I do, I’m further guessing he sees his behavior as normal.
His presence in my life in part made me who I am now, for that I cannot complain, nor should I. I’m not even angry with him, however if you would ask me if I wished him well, I’d say “as well as he has treated others,” especially his wife and children.
But again I do stress, as much as I am saying what he did, I have also let go and continue to let go of my past. How have I done this? Well as I said I did most everything in our marriage. When I had finally had enough and walked away, there was no major transition to go through, not like many who have experienced what I have. This is due to the fact I did everything one would do if on their own, because he didn’t help me. In addition I had all my fears lived out throughout our marriage that I feared would happen if I was single, so by the end there was nothing I feared with being on my own. For all intents and purposes I was on my own but only tethered by a piece of paper and my morals.
April of 2016 I met with a lawyer, gave a large deposit of money, and started the process. The original lawyer was a mediator as I erroneously assumed what I gave would be sufficient and the process would be quick, you know, behaving amicably. Yeah, NO.
Believe me, when I finally made the choice after years of indecisiveness and what ifs I did not looked back, accept to see all the times I overlooked behavior that were clearly signs I made a good choice in leaving. I have looked forward eagerly since I made my choice that day, and started to redevelop myself and use the time for positive experience, even if divorce is a negative one.
I have found a field of work I love, it gives meaning to my life, purpose, real purpose and it is rewarding. I light up when I talk about what I do. I’ve become more in-touch with who I have dreamt of being, and learned how to remain calm and not take personal how people are toward me. I’ve become more at ease, insightful, and understanding, which makes almost no self induced stress.
I have become an entrepreneur of sorts: starting my blog, working on opening an Etsy store (in the near future), doing side jobs of gardening and dog/house sitting, all things I love doing, can do and finally value myself enough to do them for others. Pushing out my once set limits caused growth, and I need this.
I raced to dating six months after filing, I had to find someone I told myself. I needed to prove I was better than the ex. That journey has helped me find of all mates, me! The overall experience of on line dating hasn’t been great, It feels like you are shopping and frankly most men are out to find sex it seems. But and it’s a BIG but, the experience has helped me to realize what I want and that time doesn’t matter. I’m ok being on my own. Yes it would be nice to have a good relationship but right now I’ve found that with myself. Truthfully the best thing I can do for myself is to NOT force a relationship, but to get to know myself as an individual, not a wife, not a mom, but me as the person I am relaxing and growing back into.
I joined a divorce support group. The socialization, understanding and insight has made immeasurable differences in my perceptions, and how I want to be seen and identified. I’m not a victim, I’m not going to cry poor me, I’m not going to constantly blame and condemn the ex. He is who he is that’s why I left. Constantly criticizing him will not make me look better or help me in any way and it will not change him. Instead I believe it will make me unnecessarily bitter. There’s no reason to negatively impact my life now or in the future it isn’t beneficial.
Respecting myself, not being afraid to stand up for myself in responsible, assertive ways, teaches others how to treat me. My past negative behaviors will not be repeated or carried over, instead I will treat others with the same respect and dignity I now show myself. Now that I can fully accept who I am, learned to take the time to slow down, my insightfulness has deepened and I’ve become a calmer person.
I still have several aspects of myself/my life I would like to work on, such as how loud I can be, how at times I over analyze past situations, or fall back into negative self-talk and old behaviors take over. I realize these are aspects of wanting attention, someone to say I am valued and matter, but really the only person who can change my perspective is me. By learning to accept and let go, and by reframing what I am thinking I know I’ll move past this.
In addition I plan to go back to school and finish my degree in education. First I have to get the divorce behind me and get back on my feet financially if possible. Whether I can gain any financial freedom or not won’t matter because in a year or two I will be back at school so I can have the career I want in the field I love, so I can have the financial freedom.
In so many ways this is the best time of my life, even if I’m finically destitute. I know I am strong and will land standing strong and erect. I have great morals, strong convictions, and I’m dedicated to my success.
By leaving and moving on I’ve detonated the bridge to my past and closed book one. Book two is going to be a phenomenal well written journey. I’m so excited by the unknown story line, can’t wait to see how it comes together!!!