Life is a Verb

This last week my soon to be ex husband found out he had heart issues. I can only guess he was rushed to the hospital unsure of what was happening, and scared to death.  I’m further guessing they gave him worst case scenario. As far as I know he is now recovering from his ordeal. But as the almost ex wife, I really have no idea what his frame of mind is, or how he feels, that’s ok.  

I bring him up because for years I would nag him about how he took care of himself. He ate out every meal, smoked and exercise was walking to the car. For some time he was on medication for cholesterol, and just stopped taking it. Haphazardly he went through life, and real happiness, I don’t think he knows what it is. However, he did managed to lose a significant amount of weight and iseems to kept off.  I’m sure the stress of the last few years was a good facilitator, but I doubt much changed beyond that, hence the heart issues.

As I said, I would nag him about how he took care of himself. I saw his way of existing wasn’t really living and I tried everything I could to get him to take care of his heath and overall wellbeing. Of course I was just a nag. Gotta love me, lol.

I would not class myself as in the best shape of my life, but I certainly am not at my worst. I tend to over eat but I eat healthfully for the most part. I have found my body does better when I eat well, imagine that! I’ve been more conscious of my fullness and mindful of when I have had enough, always a work in progress and progress is good. I’m sure the fact my stress has been reduced has helped, yes divorce can be a blessing. 

Exercise is a part of my life, and has been since I was in my 20’s. I use it for mediative purposes, a good sweat, to destress, help me state fit, flexible and keep my body as youthful as I can. It helps the little things or prevent others that tend to pop up as we age.

As I have aged it has become more important for me to take care of myself for the overall benefits I get. Heart and other issues run in my family, besides if I can fiend off adverse affects I’m for it. What we do today has an effect on us tomorrow and builds over time. Let’s face it, age really changes our bodies and the only real way to turn back the clock is to live actively and proactively. Truth be told our bodies are machines, when they wear out, they stop working in the correct manner. 

To merely survive is not living, it is existing without purpose. I go for the gusto putting my entire being into my life, making it full, rich and happy, I know no other way. Besides happiness and good health are paramount to me. That being said, there was a time I lived in survival mode, my life passed me by, as if I was in the doldrums. Happiness, well it wasn’t in my vernacular and I did not enjoy where I was. Not because I didn’t want happiness, but because I lost it. I don’t know what was the exact cause of my displacement, but it was a culmination of many events, some subtle and others, in my face. I fell hard, losing my purpose, my motivation and way. It sucked.  

I hated how I felt, and yet I had no idea how to change the place I was in. I did everything one can do, I drank, I went to counseling, I journaled, I went to marital counseling, I took medication and yes I ate. I even worked hard to understand how I was feeling, why I was feeling how I was feeling and worked on express my feelings clearly. I couldn’t believe this was as good as life got. What was the purpose of living if this was it? 
One day everything changed. I can’t say exactly when or how, but I can tell you it was a process – it felt like a switch being turned back on. Looking back I could see where I had come from, the dedication I had: it was up hill the entire way and I did it! It took me looking back to realize how hard I had fought to come back and to see the value and worth in life. It took appreciating myself, liking who I was, changing how I saw myself and yes, doing the work.

A life of purpose and meaning has been incredibly important to me. Happiness and real living means everything. I have, we have such a short time on this planet, why would you not cherish it? Why not cherish yourself? Why not work to make yourself excited by the joy(s) of living? Why not be happy and fulfilled? Why not show yourself altruism? Why not do the hard work?

When you keep putting off your health, not eating better, not doing what brings you joy, and accepting the status quo, you are not living. When you refuse to take care of yourself, and think medications can fix you, you are not living. When you put your head in the sand and don’t acknowledge your part, or take responsibility, you are not living. The only person you have to blame is the person you see reflected back, y-o-u.  Only you can do the work for you.

Once the damage has been done, you cannot turn back the clock to fix it. Just as material things can’t buy happiness, you can’t truly live if you do not awaken to experience life and make conscious choices. I once thought it was a bunch of garbage the counselors I saw would say “no one can make you feel…”. Wow that would set me off.  I since have come to see that, that is indeed the truth – how right they were. No one can make you happy, no one can live your life and no one but you can ultimately take it away.  

I feel badly for my soon to be ex, he isn’t even 50, however he had the capability to have control over where he ended up.  Life is about choices. Both good or bad you have to live with the choices you make. For me, I strive to make the best informed well rounded decisions, to be a participant in my life, so I do more than just survive.  In the end we all pay the piper.  He’s not getting much from me:)


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