Impressions of Character 

Looking out my window this wet morning, I form my opinion of this sodden day. While I’m not overly excited it is raining… again, I’m struck by how lush and green everything is. It is wet, there is humidity in the air which makes it feel warmer then it really is, even as my nose feels cold to the touch. 
Heavily overcast, with the feel of impending rain in the air, I hear birds and yet it is too wet to do anything but observe. Every subtlety I can absorb I do.

I’ve learned to take the time, let my senses guide me, my intuition show me the way and about all remain calm. When it comes to nature, being in its element has helped me change my moods, formulate positive impressions, destress and just absorb what I can to ground myself, it’s a great narcotic. 

I found I assess situations/people better when I listen to my intuition and respect myself. I cannot and should not second guess my perceptions and first impressions have never steered me wrong except when I don’t listen to them. Using these simple yet perceptive ways to see past guises I can make informed smart, choices.

Feelings within us can be conflictual and it is at those times that I didn’t and have not trusted myself, or the feelings that really mattered. For a good portion of my life I second guessed my own internal navigation system, only to come to realize it was right all along. There is no room in life for self doubt.

What by far has taught me and given me the biggest understanding is to accept myself and my inner voice. By taking the time to learn who I am, what I like, and be in tuned with myself has been paramount for my self esteem, overall perception and a happier More fulfilling life.

For the most part I have let go of my stresses and what stresses me. Letting stress navigate you causes irrevocable harm as it makes first impressions and overall intuition, and insight ineffective. You learn to not be confident and not enjoy life because you are consumed with negativity and uncertainty. 

When you don’t listen to yourself you don’t perceive what should guide you, instead letting fear, turmoil and the unknown dictate how you should act, react and feel. That’s when I have found I have missed crucial insight, important diagnostics of myself, the world around me or the people I have interacted with and not heard/felt what I should have.

As I have gotten older, I found my ability to center myself and accept what is, comes more naturally. By no means is it always easy, it is however better than the constant struggle with anxiety I lived with,or the stress and constant stressors I let get to me. 

I find the more I can center myself and my thoughts the easier it is for me to be successful and let go of what isn’t important. 

Leaving behind those in my life who caused me to second guess myself, something I allowed, has freed up my personal insight, easy going nature and desire for a more minimalistic life.  

Even though I am leaving behind those who do not belong in my circle any longer, I find at times I still respond to their behavior. The dynamic I have played a part of for years, I am still working on not engaging or participating in, or those triggers which are part of my insecurities. 

The problem with triggers is they polk at our self worth, instead of learning to accept them, own them and overcome them we react from them. I like anyone else don’t like to be wrongly judged or feel attacked. Instead of seeing behavior as a manifestation of who we are, we are inclined to see it as a negative mark against who we are, refusing to learn from it.  

It isn’t until we engage in the dynamic that it indeed becomes a negative mark against us and ceases to be a possible behavior, it is now an action we have taken part in. Up until that crucial point where I choose to engage, I realize after the fact how I could have handled myself better. It all goes back to listening to that inner voice. When you slow down and take the time to listen, and process through your feelings, your inner voice will not steer you wrong. But you must listen to it, or that wise friend.

I atone for my infallibilities, for the times I have let what really shouldn’t get to me, take over and blur my sense of reason, or for even the times what should get to me has, and it has taken over.

I hope when all is said and done, when my divorce is finally final and life settles down, I will be proud of how I handled myself even with the few precarious ways I have reacted through the process.

At this point in the unrelenting process I am realistic of the non-stellar outcome, how I should handle myself, and present myself, (even as I lose control occasionally). I am as grounded and tethered to my morals, and accountable for who I am, now, probably more so, knowing it is a true reflection and purest insight of who I actually am as a person.

Divorce is as emotionally raw and as life changing as you get. Feelings bounce all over, constantly testing the new waters in ways you would never guess, and I wanted the divorce! I know I will and have show good character, even with my lack of control now and then. Yes it is a heavy overcast day, while it isn’t ideal, I can use it to have positive impressions and move on with grace.


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