Learning to be comfortable in my own skin has been a process of growth and acceptance. I’ve worked hard to like who I am as well as not be overly critical of myself. The process has been an ardent one and eye opening.
From a young age I remember feeling awkward with my choices, decision and appearance, as well as fearful of my existence. I now realize my inabilities to see myself in any positive light were predomantly caused by the upbringing I had and my parents insecurities.
My father was by far the better of my parents, but both were damaged goods and not ideal parents. Because of their issues and warped way the saw the world I had a lineage of emotional baggage to overcome. It was compounded by my own personal insecurities.
From a young age until recently, it has been a long process of revelations on my part: I’ve had to rewrite many of the internal messages I thought were truth. My parents insecurities were projected on me and their behavior gave me the impression something was off with who I was. I was constantly second guessing myself.
I do not know what ultimately set me apart from the rest of my family, but I do know I wasn’t willing to let life pass me by. As young as 11 I remember setting my own bed time and vowing to be different and live my life with purpose. At 11 you don’t know what that means, not even partly.
I can’t say what steps I took on my own path of enlightenment, I just knew I couldn’t live how the rest of my family chose to. Early on I worked at taking control of my life. I had no idea what that meant or how to do it, but like so much of life it was a process.
When I married I truly believed my husband wanted what I did. I felt he suffered as I had and we were destine to succeed. I knew it would be harder for him, as he didn’t know what to look for, so I would help him. That did not work.
In time (22 years) it would finally occur to me, he only wanted the security of having someone, the benefits money gave, and the overall appearance, he didn’t care about what was behind it. He didn’t want to change he wanted life to give to him.
After years of putting up with diplorable behavior and actions, I left. I now realize in order for me to have been able to do that, I had to be secure and confident in mysef as a person, at least enough to be able to be confident being alone.
The confidence came from living out the fears I had and facing them head on. It wasn’t a conscious choice for me to suffer, but came at the hands of my husband and his own inabitlies to face demons and fears. Every fear I had he managed to have our family unit deal with. To survive the only choice I had was to meet them, face them and concure them. As the emotional leader of the family I felt I had to project confidence and do what must be done, after all I had children I had to be the example for.
I’ve never been one to sit and wait, I have to do something to improve where I am. Because of that drive any issues I’ve ever been faced with I found a way to take it on and overcome it. I’d bunker down and plow forward absorbing confidence along the way. I’d start out a mess but as I’d go through the motions I’d gather momentum and strength.
I’m not one who likes baggage or lose ends, everything has to have closure in some way. Hence my incessant need to know why and figure things out. If I have the understanding, even if I don’t agree with it, I can accept it better, deal with it and move on.
In the beginning of any difficult position I’m in, I look like a mess, heck I am a mess. It’s while working on gaining my bearing I find the fortitude and strength to go on and become a powerhouse. Adversity has never held me back and since I’m afraid of being afraid I do all I can to overcome fear.
I don’t think I’ve ever been held back for long. I am a fighter and strong, even if I don’t always feel so or look like it. All the pain and suffering I allowed into my life has made me who I am. I can’t say I feel happy about some of the experiences I’ve endured, but they have helped me to grow and be who I am now.
For the first time in my life I am anchored securely to who I am as a person. I’ve let go of others deciding my worth or value. In fact I’ve shunned their opinions of who I am and am comfortable in deciding that for myself.
And to my (almost) ex husband, the issue isn’t me but him, and how he values himself. I will not be his demise, nor he mine. We are all responsible for our choices, actions and how we chose to live. His undoing and failure as a person will be his undoing. I’d be lying if I said I hope he has a good life. I don’t. But I don’t hope for ill will. I just know who we are and how we live our life is what determines how we will turn out. If his past is any indication I’m certain I know his future.
I on the other hand, I am moving on and learning to accept what I can’t change. I’ve let go of the parameters I held as my boundaries and am free range as I navigate my future. I chose to take control and let go …