Pursue (your dreams)

Extraordinary. My day, my mood, my outlook, (parts of my life). I know all the negativity that’s surrounded me and encompasses my life as of late, has an affect on me. Today that affect has been nonexistent. In fact for the last several days that has been the case.

I’ve pursued aspect of myself I have left to the wayside for most of my adult life. From the time I was married, as most woman do when they have a family; my wants, needs, desires and time all but dried up.
It hasn’t been until this last year, as I process through divorce, that I’ve seen myself as a person with needs again and actually cut time out for myself.
Boy I have to tell you, it is nice!
To help myself through this process I went back to dedicating three to four days a week to exercising; cardio, weight training and stretching. I can’t tell you how great it feels to purse this joy. I’ve joined a divorce group, at the suggestion of someone I causally met. It’s been a useful tool in becoming positive in my views and behaviors, as well as removing the self-victimization that happens when we encounter pain and despair. I like to write poetry, it’s a great way for me to express myself, find my feelings and process my thoughts. Later, when I reread my words and reflect, I am able to see what caused those feelings. As an added vector for self reflection, inner peace and serenity my blog was born.
The name VituousParagon is about how I am envisioning  myself, how noble I am going to carry myself – a goal for how I will behave during this process of divorce and beyond.
During most of the time I have been in process I think I’ve handled myself remarkable. It wasn’t until the restraint order was change to a court order and I unblock the ex to arrange visits with H squared that my behavior changed.
I became so angry and filled with hate that he wasn’t doing as God awful as I felt he should, I started to spiral down. How could he have found his, (I called her mealticket), girlfriend and moved in already? All these feelings came flooding forward, I felt betrayed. Betrayed by an old friend, betrayed by anyone who helped him and betrayed by Karma. It was like I was nothing, our kids were nothing and he was being rewarded.
What changed? Self reflection caused me to see the things that matter to me. I’ve decided to rededicate myself to taking care of me, focusing on me and doing what makes me feel good about my choices in life. While I can be pessimistic I’m normally positive, optimistic and moral. I didn’t like who I was becoming and I notice things about myself that I really wanted to nurture and grow in healthy ways.
Change is hard, but the hardest change is the change we undergo that is sudden, negative, not planned and is multifaceted. By pursuing desires and turning them into reality, in positive ways I’ve helped me, my children and I’m pleasant to be around. My focus has been redirected, that has help change my feelings.
Oh and work. Best place to help me see I don’t have it as bad. Can I say, I really do L O V E my job:).  https://dailypost.wordpress.com/challenge-instructions/

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