I’m moving through this process of my divorce, and I have come to find that even with my desire to end my marriage I still struggle. What are the struggles, I’m still working on figuring them out. I have these feelings, and I don’t always understand them.
I’m angry that anyone would support him and give him help. He wasn’t a good person on so many fronts, yet somehow people still accept him. I dealt with emotional and physical abuse and his emotionally unavailable way he handled most things in life, leaving me to handle everything on my own.
Why did I stay? Well,fear of being alone and my self esteem wasn’t always the best. Besides I am not one to give up until I’ve exhausted every avenue; my marriage vows meant everything to me, clearly he did not feel the same.
Being alone forces you to deal with who you are and your insecurities. It causes you to reflect and analyze yourself in ways you wouldn’t if you were in a relationship and ultimately grow.
To tell you the truth I have a loneliness I feel knowing I have no one to share my feelings with whom I can connect. It’s hard having to face the world alone. At the same time I would never jump into a relationship to fill the void I feel. It isn’t healthy to do that and any future relationship I might have will come when it is meant to happen, and not because it is forced.
Knowing he has jumped into several relationships and now has moved in with someone, well it makes me angry. What was I to him, ever, or his children he likes to post he cares so much for?
In the year we have been separated waiting for the divorce to finalize he has given me no money, he spent it all on himself and his girlfriends. Life has always been about him.
I’m angry more than anything that someone like him can have anything good in life. It is unfair and unjust.
I feel my own pain as I grow into myself and the things I want to have and how I want to be. I have much work I have to do, and goals I want to work toward. Yet at the same time I can’t help but use my insecurities as a crutch.
Realizing this is half the battle. The other half is reprogramming my rhetoric to be more stable, realistic and yes positive. It’s a culmination of desire, growth and fortitude at realizing I have power over who I am and what I accomplish.
Letting go of what he has, who he is, and how anyone could value him I am sure is part of the process of divorce, and being with him for 25 years had to affect that. I wanted to change him, so he would fit my mold. I also believed he wanted to fit that mold. I realize now he just didn’t want to be alone. Probably why he is with someone now. Yet it still elicits negative feelings in me.
Overall I like who I am. No I am not beautiful but I do have beauty. I’m hardworking, happy and generous. I accept people for who they are, but at the same time want to bring happiness to them. Even knowing happiness comes from within, I hope that I will be the spark that will help them see that.
The last several days I’ve had many revolutions about myself. First the saying we shouldn’t look for self gratification for doing something good, I realize I do. The realization hit me when I got upset when someone didn’t acknowledge me when I let them cut in traffic. I rely on the affirmations I receive to let me know I am worthy instead of using my own insight and intuition to validate myself. I need to find my own way in affirming my worth without expecting someone to tell me I am worthy.
Yes it is easier said then done. But accepting myself and being ok with my own value and not looking for someone else to quantify who I am will show a strength and growth I have yet to obtain. How I will go about reaching this goal, I’m not sure. It will be a work in progress like much of my life is right now.
Learning to let go of what I cannot get closure on, a difficult feat but an important one to come to terms with, as not everything in life has answers. However by looking for answers I will achieve insight about who I am and ultimately grow in positive ways.
Letting go of expectations of what should be regardless if they will happen or not, I can only hope will bring me more of what is positive and I find pride in. Letting go, moving on and yes making my life as inspirational, rewarding, and enjoyable for myself so at the end of my years I won’t look back regretting the choices I’ve made, after all they all have helped shape who I am.
Transitions are hard, especially when you realize you are transitioning. I have no idea where my life will take me, what I will accomplish or won’t, I do know I will grow and flourish as long as I respect and value my life and above all become an active participant in making my life all it can be.
This blog, is a step in my self awareness and growth. By putting myself in places that make me uncomfortable merely because I’m out of my comfort zone I’m hoping to learn more about what makes me who I am. Having the ability to put my needs front and center to ultimately have experiences are a gift to relish. Nothing in life is more important then living to one’s fullest potential.