On a slant

I have a tiny room, so small in fact I only have a twin bed and dresser. To give myself more storage space I purchased dorm room bed risers.
Wow what a difference it made! Not only did I have more storage space, but the bed stopped sliding away from the wall. I’m tellin’ you, I was livin’ the dream!

Nightly the girls come to sit on the bed and talk or watch tv (SVU). I’ve told them my room is open to them as they need to feel connected as much as possible. (Divorce is as much about them as me.) Besides, living in someone else’s house, (even if it is family), causes you to feel displaced. Anything I can do to help them feel like this is home, well I’m sure you get it.
One of the risers decided it was done, a loud cracking sound was heard, down the bed went! Of course we all screamed. I laughed at the irony and myself for my reaction.

Aren’t these things indestructible? After all, college students have them and we all know how college kids are!

Initially I superficially repaired the riser with tape in hopes I could buy some time. I got three days more. Not exactly the time I was looking for, but hey, that’s what you get with packing tape.
Ever try sleeping on a slanted bed? I do not recommend you try it anytime soon or in fact any time later. It was an awful nights sleep. I learned, I do not like sleeping on hills.
Ironic how something like this can set the tone for your outlook. This simple issue unbeknownst to me pulled me down a rabbit hole of sadness.
Trust me, I realize how insignificant this all sounds and is, so believe me when I say, I had no idea it was the root cause of my emotional turmoil the last several days.
Things like this happen and you let them go, it’s part of life. Stuff happens, good stuff, bad stuff, stuff in general.
The issue, the metaphoric reasoning that set me off, the fact I indeed feel like my life is just like the bed.
I am struggling with holding everything up; protecting my daughters, myself, suffering finically, supporting what I can. Stuck in a divorce where the only outcome is a net of zero. I’m working on carving out a new healthier family dynamic, and yes it’s tough, for the girls, for me and for my dad.
Some days are great and others, not so much. There’s so much in fact, that self doubt creeps in in ways that make me feel sorry for myself, alone and isolated. Not a good thing. My tape only holds so well as you read above.
While I didn’t necessarily ask for all we are going through, I could have made the choice to leave sooner, or done more to better myself. Im beyond afraid I’ll get nothing because in the last year I’ve gotten nothing.
I’m hurt that a friend of mine and her husband supported him because he was in crisis. Never mind I was a friend since 13/14 and I almost didn’t have a place to live. She has since unfriended me when she resized I posted things about him she told me.
I digress. Again it’s the bed.
Well it all made me realize just where I am, and as much as I want to go up, I feel like I’m stuck in a sand pit I can’t maneuver out of.
There is no looking back, but I can’t help but think if maybe I had built a better frame to begin with instead of buying cheep risers.
Only time will tell.
Oh and tonight the bed is propped up on a fireproof lock box. I doubt that will break…
However it could roll off…

Just sayin. Lol


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