Poetic Traces 

I awake to a stillness, a calm

My restitution leaves me relaxed

Bird calls and wings fluttering

 are the musical sounds that fill my ears
Off I the distance a plethora of sound 

Emanate toward me. 

This is heaven.  
Tranquil, yet mesmerizing 

I could listen for hours

As I drink in the aromas

And glean from what my eyes behold 
The Purity of nature

Is donned and cloaked 

in the sweet drenching 

Earthiness our home. 
I map out and trace

The serenity in how I feel

An aphrodisiac of sorts 

we all respond to the call

A Cure for Anxiety

The night air is cool, pleasant 

I feel it seeping in through my window

And smell it as it fills my nose 

With the unmistakable scents 

Of outdoors 
Their is something calming and awakening

About natural surroundings.

Perhaps it is the culmination

Of the distinct aroma 

Or the green newness 
I do know it gives me energy

Has a hypnotic calming affect

I feel good in its embrace.
This time of year 

Makes me feel so alive

Just be the sheer fact

I can experience the mesmerizing effects

Bestowed upon me.
All the Complexity

Of fauna and flora

The essence of life

Has welcomed and embrace me
I feel calmer hearing birds,

Smelling plants,

Feeling wind on my skin

I love the sensation of the sun
As it beats upon my face
If I could bottle and sell it

I’m confident it would eradicate 

Anxiety, stress, and depression

And clear you to a confident state

Art of Aging. 

There is something to be said for youth and the innocents beauty instills in us.  So often it is seen as perfection.  Truth be told innocents is not perfection and indeed has flaws.  

As I age I see how the softness of youth comes across as pure, a new beginning, and how it can and is desired. Our society makes it feel like that youthfulness is the ultimate key to happiness and true beauty.  Youthful beauty is fresh, just ripened to perfection and maturity, the optimal point of becoming ripe. 

Yes, there is something to be said for the exquisite perfection youth brings, the softness, that like spring rejuvenates your existence and makes you feel alive. It’s as if by globbing onto youth you will have the perfect life and happiness you seek. 

Media outlets have caused true beauty to be shunded and ideals to be unobtainable.  Even models don’t recognize their altered images.  The masses have unrealistic views of what can realistically be obtained naturally thereby creating issues with self esteem.  

We have created a cataclysmic image of what beauty should not be.  The idealistic view has warped the imperfections that make us unique and perfect in our own right.  The message we are sending is to love and accept who you are, but something is wrong with you and it must be changed. These duel meaning cause more doubt, insecurity, harm and are dead wrong.
Their is no turning back time to be what you are no longer.  No amount of procedures or beauty treatments will change who you are as a person or what living gives us. As a 47 year old woman I feel as time moves on, the inadequacy my age can make me feel. 

I do not mind aging, what I do mind is the way our society makes aging seem. It deems aging as if it is a disease that has to be corrected, fixed and looked down upon.  Aging is seen as a death sentence. True we all will die but what about the lifetime it takes to get there? 

I dye my hair and have since greying in my early 30’s. I don’t want to be seen as old, which means not valued, respected or treated as if I know anything. Don’t agree,  look at the messages advertisers send out, tv shows portray,  and touched up images show. 

In addition to coloring my hair I work out.  That in itself makes me appear younger, and I have tinkered with thoughts of plastic surgery.  That is a shocker to me, because I have always appreciate the aging process and have never had an issue with my age. However now I’m older I’m worried about others perceptions of me in a world that focus on youth. 


I now look in the mirror and the see signs of what growing in years has done. No longer is my skin as elastic, and smooth.  My youthful beauty has been replaced with a mature polished look.  From having children I no longer have the buff, flat stomach, (not that I ever did), I have aches and pains from how I have use my body over the years.  

I try hard to not feed into the notion that I need to change who I am because I’m aging. When everything in our society goes against what is right, how do you keep your perceptions from skewing? Really? Our society has to stop this idiotic way of projecting ageism and acting as if only youth is beautiful.  Aging is a normal healthy process of life and should be embraced and seen more for how beautiful it is.

I know there is a growing movement to cherish natural beauty at any age, however what needs to change is the outlets who push unrealistic, unhealthy images and pass them off as truth.  
It’s sad. The world; our society is more caught up with what’s not true or real and wonders why so many people suffer from depression and other mental heath issue.  It’s time to take control of our lives to make a stand, take off the rose colored glasses. Learn to be happy with life for what it is and the individuality we all share. Young or old it’s ok to be who you are. Don’t let doubt  of any kind creep in because someone else’s words, way of seeing their world doesnt match yours. It’s a ok to be who you are, like who you are, love who you are.  It is ok to be different in a world that wants us all the same. 

The Aftermath 

Instead of just writing a new chapter of my life, I’m writing an entire new book. The new story is all new to me, as is the case when you reinvent who you are.  Why am I doing this? Well, with everything I have experienced and had to deal with, it made me realized I wasn’t putting myself first, not how you should if you value and love who you are. As a result of my realization, I also came to the conclusion I sold myself short, was afraid to push out of the self induced boundaries, was uncomfortable doing thing on my own and was missing out on my life by not having fulfilling experiences.  

I married thinking like most woman do, that I’d have my happily ever after. I truly did everything a wife should do, plus more. You name it I could do it and would, not because I had to necessarily, but more because I didn’t mind… overall. I love the fact I can do all that I can, but I also didn’t have the choice financially to have the luxury of paying a professional or counting on my spouse.

I did expect my husband to step up as a reasonable person, however I could not even depend on him to follow through. The only thing I could depend on him for was to be undependable, dishonest and passive aggressive, things that didn’t help and hindered the natural progressing of moving forward.

Being around all these types of behaviors changed me, in most ways for the worst, but in others for the better. It took many, many years but I did gain back a good self esteem albeit the hard way and I eased into a gentler version of myself. I’m still seeing positive changes take place within myself the further I move away from my past. 

I do not fault my soon to be ex, I realize, that’s how he was raised, as well as how he experienced life. It just shows he doesn’t have the same baseline of morals or desires to be the good in our world in the same way I do, I’m further guessing he sees his behavior as normal.  

His presence in my life in part made me who I am now, for that I cannot complain, nor should I. I’m not even angry with him, however if you would ask me if I wished him well, I’d say “as well as he has treated others,” especially his wife and children.  

But again I do stress, as much as I am saying what he did, I have also let go and continue to let go of my past. How have I done this? Well as I said I did most everything in our marriage. When I had finally had enough and walked away, there was no major transition to go through, not like many who have experienced what I have. This is due to the fact I did everything one would do if on their own, because he didn’t help me. In addition I had all my fears lived out throughout our marriage that I feared would happen if I was single, so by the end there was nothing I feared with being on my own.  For all intents and purposes I was on my own but only tethered by a piece of paper and my morals. 

April of 2016 I met with a lawyer, gave a large deposit of money, and started the process. The original lawyer was a mediator as I erroneously assumed what I gave would be sufficient and the process would be quick, you know, behaving amicably. Yeah, NO.  

Believe me, when I finally made the choice after years of indecisiveness and what ifs I did not looked back, accept to see all the times I overlooked behavior that were clearly signs I made a good choice in leaving. I have looked forward eagerly since I made my choice that day, and started to redevelop myself and use the time for positive experience, even if divorce is a negative one.

I have found a field of work I love, it gives meaning to my life, purpose, real purpose and it is rewarding. I light up when I talk about what I do. I’ve become more in-touch with who I have dreamt of being, and learned how to remain calm and not take personal how people are toward me. I’ve become more at ease, insightful, and understanding, which makes almost no self induced stress.

I have become an entrepreneur of sorts: starting my blog, working on opening an Etsy store (in the near future), doing side jobs of gardening and dog/house sitting, all things I love doing, can do and finally value myself enough to do them for others. Pushing out my once set limits caused growth, and I need this.  

I raced to dating six months after filing, I had to find someone I told myself. I needed to prove I was better than the ex.  That journey has helped me find of all mates, me! The overall experience of on line dating hasn’t been great, It feels like you are shopping and frankly most men are out to find sex it seems. But and it’s a BIG but, the experience has helped me to realize what I want and that time doesn’t matter. I’m ok being on my own. Yes it would be nice to have a good relationship but right now I’ve found that with myself. Truthfully the best thing I can do for myself is to NOT force a relationship, but to get to know myself as an individual, not a wife, not a mom, but me as the person I am relaxing and growing back into.  

I joined a divorce support group. The socialization, understanding and insight has made immeasurable differences in my perceptions, and how I want to be seen and identified. I’m not a victim, I’m not going to cry poor me, I’m not going to constantly blame and condemn the ex. He is who he is that’s why I left. Constantly criticizing him will not make me look better or help me in any way and it will not change him.  Instead I believe it will make me unnecessarily bitter.  There’s no reason to negatively impact my life now or in the future it isn’t beneficial.

Respecting myself, not being afraid to stand up for myself in responsible, assertive ways, teaches others how to treat me. My past negative behaviors will not be repeated or carried over, instead I will treat others with the same respect and dignity I now show myself. Now that I can fully accept who I am, learned to take the time to slow down, my insightfulness has deepened and I’ve become a calmer person. 

I still have several aspects of myself/my life I would like to work on, such as how loud I can be, how at times I over analyze past situations, or fall back into negative self-talk and old behaviors take over. I realize these are aspects of wanting attention, someone to say I am valued and matter, but really the only person who can change my perspective is me. By learning to accept and let go, and by reframing what I am thinking I know I’ll move past this. 

In addition I plan to go back to school and finish my degree in education. First I have to get the divorce behind me and get back on my feet financially if possible. Whether I can gain any financial freedom or not won’t matter because in a year or two I will be back at school so I can have the career I want in the field I love, so I can have the financial freedom.  

In so many ways this is the best time of my life, even if I’m finically destitute. I know I am strong and will land standing strong and erect. I have great morals, strong convictions, and I’m dedicated to my success.  

By leaving and moving on I’ve detonated the bridge to my past and closed book one.  Book two is going to be a phenomenal well written journey. I’m so excited by the unknown story line, can’t wait to see how it comes together!!!

Connections

Radiate warmth and kindness,

Loyalty and love

Be willing to listen

Learn something new
Do not judge 

You’re not the jury 

Or a demi(god) –

With any ultimate rule
Who are you to decide

Someone else fate?

You may not agree

In choices that were made
Be aware,

you’re not superior

Someone else 

could look down there nose 

at little ol’ you 

What you reap 

you will sow 

Karma has a way
Be as giving, generous

Sincere, yes positive

As you’d wished to get
Learn patience 

Get to know yourself

In indiscriminating ways 

Notice and improve 
Upon your own 

flawed flaws

First and foremost

Don’t point fingers

Unless they point  

Your way

None of us are perfect

There in more

Than one right way 
Yes it’s easy

To be a judge

Than learn to accept

Or even understand

To any great depth
In the end

Differences are what

Makes us connect.
Make a point

To like and love

Who you are

You can’t begin

To show others

Or give 

what you don’t have
Secure a better life

Strive to be 

The lining 

In someone dark cloud

Show hope

Happiness, positivity all around

 

Rain as an Aphrodisiac

The smell of rain hangs heavily in the humid sticky air. I inhale deeply through my nose, close my eyes and exhale. A calm falls over me, I become Infuse with the elements.  
Acidic sweetness envelopes the region, in the distance, off in the northeast, lighting fractures the darkness imbuing light across the night sky.

Rain, rain, rain, pouring down, a drenching coolness permeates the dissipating warmth.

Reverberating Matter 

Seldom in life do we get a second chance or a do over. It might seem like you have gained a reprieve, but we are responsible for our actions or lack of actions, thoughts and behaviors. Reprieves are earned. 
Our life reverberates and receives the same wavelengths we create and send out. We put in motion a constant concentric wave of energy based on who we genuinely are, not who we portray we are. Those waves touch everyone in our circumference and only stop when they lose momentum.

When we come into contact with others, our waves bounce back taking some of that persons energy, bringing it back to us. The more you come in contact with or are around someone the more energy you will absorb or have depleted from you.  

Unless you have a life altering experience you will not change. The experiences have to touch you so profoundly that you are rocked to your core, causing you to question your existence in a soul searching way. However, you will NOT change, you cannot change unless you have a base of that already internally in you, plus the strong desire of motivation to learn what you are not.

It is easier to teach new behaviors than it is to change old ones. From the time we are born, we learn a way of seeing the world projected onto us by our parents. Until we can see clearly with our own insight, feelings and eyes we flounder lost. Yes, aspects of who we are are genetic, but much of the way we choose to behave and act is a learned behavior.  

For me growing up, I can remember my mother ignoring me, becoming angry with me, pitting my siblings and I against each other, she wasn’t a mother. My father, he was hypercritical, evasive, manipulative, controlling but loving at times. The person I started out as has similarities to me but I am an nothing like her. I can honestly say she would have never made it where I am.
By age eight my parents divorced, my sister was critically ill and my childhood ended. I was parenting myself and by eleven I was lost looking for my way. Who was I? I remember vowing to never be like my mother but following her because she was my mother, my custodial parent, and I needed to be nurtured. However you can’t get love from someone who doesn’t love who they are and you can’t learn confidence if you are not show what it looks like. I did know fear, uncertainty, and loathing.
 Thanks to the wonderful people throughout my life who gave me glimpses of care and love, (that I so desperately needed), I learned to build on the energy I received from them. I absorbed their energy eagerly, slowly rebuilding myself. With macro bursts of support I received, I slowly pushed the waves of my existence sending out my energy, listening for the echo back.  

My Echo back is the external and internal peace I have now reached. I am comfortable and confident with who I am. I understand myself, accept my flaws but continue to improve on them. I have a new understanding of what it means to live, love and give. The work I do has been a valuable tool of self awareness and for the first time in my life, I am in tune with the echo I hear.  

I’m one of the exceptions.  

I earned my reprieve with dedication, hard work and a strong desire to be everything I never had. Every day I put out to the world a beautiful hum and I receive back the sweetest sound encompassing me.

I matter. 

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/reprieve/