It Starts with the Breath

Meditation, the art of living in the moment, being centered and finding calm while focusing on your breath and clearing your mind. I’ve taken up meditation along with some other modes of introspection and self expression to work on myself. My goal is to S L O W down and enjoy were I am and gain from that experience when in the moment. I don’t need to look back or ahead I need to just be.

Anyone who knows me, knows I am NOT patience and I am at twelve other places all at once. It doesn’t help that our (modern) society has change our perception of what life should look like by having our attention all over the place, inundating us in one form or another and having us trying to continuously multitask and/or visually being overstimulated. We neither remember a darn thing we have seen nor do we fully experienced what we are doing, thereby not allowing us to experience life in the fullest most meaningful of ways. Everything is available now, now, now, so patience is lacking. In short there is too much information being fed to us that it makes it hard to know what is worth knowing and what is worth waiting for. I’d gather the vast majority of what comes at us is garbage not worth knowing.

It is in my nature to get as much done as possible and as quickly as I can, but if my past experiences and age has taught me anything, it is this: focus on one thing at a time, take everything in and enjoy where you are at and above all don’t worry about mistakes or the small stuff. It is also helpful I like simple things; walking, gardening, writing, exercising and find it easy (for the most part) to be in the moment with these activities. But the ability to quiet my mind and not overthink, well I wish I could say I’ve mastered that or even become semi proficient. In all actuality I’m not close to being proficient.

From what I understand it takes many many years for a person to master the art of meditation – quiets one’s mind, and learning to be in the moment. For starters learning to quiet the mind is difficult because as humans all we do is think, and yet the mere act teaches one so much about who they are as a person. You learn to hear your thoughts more clearly and understand them. Which as a lay person I think it is an essential step in learning to quiet your mind and live in the moment. It you can make heads or tails of your thoughts and weed out what you don’t need then it would make sense that you’d be on the path to being able to quiet your mind. At least that’s my assumption.

The inundation of our own thoughts and feelings makes it seem logical that the busier we are along with the more input we get the more we learn, but in actually the opposite is true. None of us need more stimulation or input, we need to process what we take in one task/experience at a time in the very moment we experience and learn it. I don’t need more stimulation from my life I need less.

I need what I experience to enrich my life and awakening me, enriching my purpose and giving me new eyes of clarity in which to see the world around me, so it challenges me to grow. I see all the ways in which my life has deepened and has become something I’m proud of by the mere fact I have been growing in leaps and bounds.

By removing as much of the over stimulation and looking for simplicity my life has become more meaningful. I’m thankful for meditation and Buddhism and what it has taught me about myself and life. For how it has given me tools to help myself. But most of all I am thankful for the people I’m proud to say are part of my life and whom have helped me find my way.


The World is my Oyster

Untiled.  Thats been the case as of late with most of my writing as it sits in the draft folder unfinished.  I have had an awful lot to say, just not as much to write about which doesn’t equate to good writing.  Even now I sit here struggling with what to write.  My creativity has all but stopped flowing, leaving me sitting starring out the window unable to gather a sentence worth of words to string together to put down on paper.  On the other had, my dreams have been creatively flowing to the point I can recall them with clarity days after.  Seems both my dreamscape and lucid dreaming has come back and that makes me feel good.

I’m at the point in my life I want to know and understand myself, have a clarity of my thoughts and feelings;  I want to know what makes me tick.  I want to know what I really like to do and what I don’t and why.  I want to know what I want and don’t and what is important to me and understand the why behind it.  I feel it is long over due to have this clarity about who I am, and at my age I think it is a requirement to be able to say why I like and don’t like something.  It is an ultimate way to live life to the fullest.  I believe it is an enriching way to get in touch with the world around you in a way not many people do.

I was recently ask by someone if I was letting my fear hold me back.  This person didn’t know me, but based on my answer he assessed I was.  I did reply yes to his question, but what this person didn’t know is while this fear was holding me back, it was only a temporary hold.  I knew I was not going to allow the fear one feels when afraid to fail to keep me tethered for long.  How did I know this?  Well, because I have learned that this kind of fear is evoked from the unknown, how we limit ourselves, prevent our own growth and stay in our confines, that later make us regret.  I have had enough regrets which only set up more failure and longing.  Now I am doing and I am truly living.

Soon I will be attending many events and adventures like the one I went on yesterday, Bingo at the local VFW.  This event helped clarify a few facts about myself I always knew but didn’t realize I knew.  I don’t like playing games (over all).  I can do them for a short period of time and then I get bored (extremely bored) with them and lose my interest and cannot play them any longer.  I also hyper focus on what I am doing and give the impression I am not having fun.  I am not all that sure I am to tell you the truth.  I have dyslexia and am not good with numbers or spelling and because it is such work for me I cannot focus on just enjoying myself.  I am sure its the part of my brain I really should work on developing but I have no interest in doing so.  That doesn’t mean I don’t want the experience.  While this experience was no adventure, it did teach me something important about myself.

Our experiences are what determines who we become, how we grow and how we will look back on our lives. I have had plenty of negative unhealthy experiences, and allowed fear to stop me from my full potential.  Now I am willing and able to embrace all the positive, feel good experiences I can, that will develop me into the person I have been growing into the last two years and have been meant to be.  It is with the experiences that are yet to come that will further help me to become a more secure, confident, assured, and willing to try something new type of person.  I am changing for the better and living a life I love.  I have much living left to do for myself and a so called bucket list to complete.

There’s not a time frame in which I have set aside to get my (bucket) list done.  In fact my list is probably more like a flow chart – If you do this and like it then,  If not do.  So far I have started this blog, taken up meditation, have worked on public speaking and read a poem I wrote, gone on the woman’s march, joined a committee not in my realm of cognitive comfort, jointed a drum circle, went on a vacation with a friend, joined a social club and have plans to do many more things.  I know it doesn’t sound like all that much, but if you knew me just two years earlier I am sure you would say I am anything like her now.

I look out my window feeling good for having found words I could pen into more than just a sentence that makes perfect sense.  I have a smile on my face for all that I can feel I have at this moment.  I want all that is good and fulfilling and I will do what what ever it takes to achieve that.  I know I have drive, I’m kind, caring and willing to do the work and now all the time to do it in.  The world is my oyster and I plan on making the most beautiful pearl!

With love ❤️

As it Comes

You cannot compromise on weather or stop the rain from falling. Complaining about the rain, and how much you hate it won’t change it, or for that matter help you in any way deal with it. There is much of life that complaining does little for, but to increase your misery and distain and make you sound, well unhappy.

The sound of rain hitting the windshield is relaxing. The splash of rain bouncing off the rear tires on the vehicles in front of me as the raindrops spray off hit the pavement, causes an almost fog like appearance. A dreary day, that feels as if it should slow down as much as I feel relaxed.

Yes calm and relaxed and not unhappy in the least bit about the weather. Just like my life, it is what it is. Not much I can do but move forward, focusing on me, and what I want out of life. I’m still working on finding out what I want as it has changed unexpectedly so much, but is see so much I want to try.

I have always been an individual, but now I feel like one because I’m in another plane of existence. No longer am I needed in the same capacity as a mother by my two daughters. I find my potential as a person is something I must embrace as I find my way. I am not interested in having control, just being happy and loving who I am as I grow from my experiences. I plan on trying many new things!

Like the weather, I cannot control what is, just work on accepting and finding my way. It is what is, and I am embracing me, just like the rain, as it comes.

Finding your Way

Any resemblance of what once was is gone.  I have moved on, slowly day by day, learning to forge a new start from the tatters I had left of my life. I would not say my ability to move forward has been any amount of courage (that aided me in my ability to to move forward), but more the fact I couldn’t stay where I was in life and be happy or find happiness of any kind.  To me my happiness is paramount, and I know that I am responsible for creating my own happiness, happiness is homegrown.  Don’t get me wrong, there are hard days left in my life, in fact for most people that is the case, life is like that for all of us, not matter the circumstances.

Happiness is a choice we can all make, even when overcoming hard times.  I have had some extremely hard times, but I will not dwell on them, or mourn what I lost any longer than I have to.  Don’t get me wrong, I feel the loss, but my life will not be spent living in the past or wishing for what could of been.  If it could have been it would have happened.  It didn’t happen and I have to let go and move on and embrace my life and the future I still have.

I have been focusing on me and only me for the very first time in my life.  I am living my life in an uplifting and empowering way, I feel so in control.  There is nothing better than taking life strongly in your hands and doing for yourself in ways you would have never done normally.  I feel for the first time I am really living my life, truly growing as an individual and knowing what it means to live.

I am not letting fear of any kind hold me back now or ever again.  I have allowed fear to dictate so much in my life and in the end it did more harm than good. Besides overcoming fears are a good thing and whence growth, real growth takes places inside of us and in our life.  It is such a new feeling having the courage to do what you were afraid to do.  To me that is the true test of growth and strength and ultimately what living life is about.

It took the worst heartache and loss to obtain this strength.  I guess loss can really be a facilitator of growth.  It doesn’t mean the loss is any less felt, it just means I chose to let go and live my life as the individual and person I am – live life for myself.  It is a great feeling and extremely empowering and to be honest scary.  But… this type of scary I can do.  I am pushing the parameter out away from me, as I define new temporary boundaries.  This is what life is, about and gives you the most control.

I am loving the power I have over my own life (path), even while I do not necessarily like all the life changes I’m experiencing.  I know there are (some) people in my corner, as well as the people who want to see me fail by falling flat on my face.  I will do plenty of both.  But the fact I am moving forward and am taking the chances, well all I can say is it will give you both something to talk about.  In the end however it will show the real strength I have.  I do not need to depend on someone else for my self esteem, or self worth.  I do not need those who sabotage me.  I am succeeding.  Hell, I might even try sky diving!!  Or maybe not!!! LOL




January and Beyond

The January rain and wind today feels more indicative of March weather. The snow has all but melted, except for the intermittent areas of small white patches that stand out against the unusually greener than normal green grass. Sporadically the rain comes down heavily drenching the already sodden ground. Just days prior a deep freeze made the ground rock hard and impenetrable, not to mention unbearably cold.

This month, the month of January is normally one of longest months to get through, even though it has the same amount of days as all the other months. The ever lasting dark, the below zero cold temperatures, the intense dry skin and no build up to any holiday make it feel as if the month will never end. But it does and by the end of the month the days have grown in length. The change comes and it is welcomed.

I have never been a lover of the cold of winter, mainly in part because I don’t handle the cold well. Don’t get me wrong, I find snow magical, fun and love watching it come down. I would occasionally (and I stress occasional) liked taking my kids sledding over the season when young, but for the most part all I really did was shovel with them. As I said I don’t like being cold so I did everything I could to stay home. I now see my behavior enhanced the feeling of January not progressing.

In the last year, but especially in the last five months I have undergone some pretty monumental changes in my life. Some were welcomed and others, well they still are hurdles in some ways. However as I have adapted, aged and accepted aspects of life that make it life, I have come to understand and feel, well different. For starters I no longer freeze, (thanks peri menopause). I now can see I can and will succeed on my own and am. When I spend time with others not only does the month of January pass rather fast, but I feel happier about winter. (Well for the most part).

The hurdles (to be honest, losses) have changed my life in many (good) ways. I’m not saying what happened was good but it has changed me for the positive and therefor it has been good. As I struggle to adapt to my new life and overcome aspects of who I am that I’ve always wanted to work on, I have put myself out there in life and put myself first in ways I never would have done had I not had that major upheaval. I do not suggest at all having the type of life changing events I have been through, but if you have no choice, be prepared and do it. I would have never divorce if I felt there could have been a healthy outcome, but I couldn’t have put in any more or loved any deeper than I had for years. When you start the process of divorce be prepared for the worst it can be in all the aspects you can imagine or not. My divorce has been by far the most horrifically destructive experience of my life and I wanted it and as hard as it was, I’m still glad I did it. (But to be fair I did try extremely hard for years). In addition the loss of a loved one is excruciatingly when the hate of divorce dictates so much. In additions don’t let someone who has never been through what you have to deal with tell you how you should be, how you should act or how wrong you are. First off who are they, and second they don’t know because they are not you. Third, really try hard to rise above it. I didn’t as much as I would have liked, but for years I didn’t tell anyone what was going on. When I started to divorce I did open up because I finally felt I could to all the horrors I put up with. My two children also put up with.The end of my marriage gave me a new start and many gains, but it brought loss I would have never imagined. For starters the relationships with my two daughters (who remain shining lights) has deepened and grown, (they experience the same loss I did), and we have become closer as a result. But I lost the love and relationship with my younger just as her sisters did. While I love my two daughters so much, respect and value their input and who they are more than they will ever know I feel bad this has happened to all of them. They are and always will be so important to me. In addition it is because of their love and genuine care for me and my wellbeing that has really helped me overcome much of my pain. Mwah. In additions the friends and people who support me and continue to support me, have been my rock. The support system I’ve woven in place, the growth and development I’ve achieved have been in part to my inner strength but mostly to those that love and support me. I will never take for granted the people who have given unconditionally and loved me when I was so broken and unable to see how I could go on. While I will always have those aspects that make me who I am, it’s nice to know in the cold month of January (and beyond) I have the love and support of my children, friends and people who care about me in my life. I feel so much warmth and more capable than I did in all the years I was married. Yes I have lost some important parts of my life I would have died to keep, but I’ve gained, even in spite of the pain that lives within me. It might not always be easy to have the focus to see when I have come from but today I do even in the deep of winter.

Ebb and Flow

The slow methodical rhythm of waves coming in, rolling into the sand and washing back out. Ebb and flow. A relaxing soothing sound, pleasing to all senses and invigorating. The mesmerizing effect of waves coming in, the calming colors as the surf breaks on the beach. The captivating affects of the water as it undulate in and out.

I am feeling calm [today] like the steady flow of water, coming in and going out. Coming in, and going out… A steady pace and movement that is a measure of time in the most subtle of ways. One could spend hours watching the waves, and yet it can feel as if no time has passed. It is with the ebb and flow of waves cascading to shore time almost stands still because the visual change is all but nonexistent in a small frame of time.

It is too cold to sit on the beach looking at and hearing waves crash on shore. The tranquility flowing water creates, and the sounds I hear, and what those sights and sounds evoked in me. If I close my eyes I can almost recreate the same feelings: hope, purpose, calm, acceptance, as if time stands still because of peace.

Peace and calm, the unbridled feeling of serenity. A change of course, but so subtle it is accepted as if no change has come, because it can’t be felt. Day by day life at times can be so calm no change is detected, except by looking back. It is at these times we feel the most comfortable and it is why routine is so important, because we come to depend on it.

The movement of time is change. But it is only when we feel optimistic or hopeful about the experiences that it doesn’t feel like change. Water ebbing and flowing, waves hitting shore is a constant change but it is accepted because we depend on its ability to bring hope, peace and comfort. We all look for comfort, as it evokes happiness and feelings of being content.

Today I am content. I am relaxed and feeling at peace in many ways with myself. It has been long overdue to have any feelings of acceptance over my life and real feelings of hope. Change is always with us, but this time change doesn’t feel as subtle as I would like, but it certainly feels much more subtle than the changes I have been having for some time.

I’m letting go, focusing on me, and my two girls. We are a family. I am feeling the ebb and flow of time slowing to a rhythmically chaotic free period of positive change. It is welcomed and accepted as I, we all move forward. I’m feeling hopeful.

But really right now I am more tired than anything, so I’m off to bed😴

My Never Ending Winter

It’s Sunday. Dreary, wet, damp and now dark. January. Yes, the heart of winter and nothing to be excited about. I don’t mind snow, for the most part, but the cold is what is hard to handle. The dry skin, brittle hair and nails, and above all the short days, I see (all of these) as negatives.

The winter season (this year) is especially hard for me for personal reasons, but for many this time of year can be especially hard for seasonal reasons. To endure the season I use life markers to help me make my way thought, ’til spring, i.e., gatherings, celebratory markers, traditions, etc. For personal reason I endure and work toward adaption by funneling in as much positivity as I can draw from. Sources around me such as friends, activities, hobbies, and talking, give me the ability to detract from some pivotal life changes I’ve undergone.

Working on adapt has proven to be a challenge. The fact is, change is noted when it is negative in nature, when it is positive in feel, it is easier to accept and talked about like a gift. Nothing about what I have been handed has even resembled a gift, let alone any prize worth having. Unfortunately negative experiences are still experiences and like everyone else who has ever existed or will exist there are all types of changes, including the ones you don’t like. I just have to go through this cycle. (I hope)

I see winter, especially this year as damaging. I think overall it is hard for most people to see or feel winter resembles positivity when it is associated with a never ending feeling of desolation. With the added life circumstances I’ve lived through, it has felt pretty barren, like the dead of winter can feel. The oppressing darkness has added to the feelings I’ve been contending with causing me to dwell in unhealthy ways.

My life will never resemble what I once dreamed it would be and I don’t know how long it will be before it feels healthy again. I can tell you this, I’m done giving my ex anything of me to feed off of. I’m no longer giving up my energy or any acknowledgement because I want him to have remorse for the things he did. Not once did he feel bad for the things he has done even now after our divorce. He keeps at me, relentlessly to make me pay. Pay for what? Leaving him, protecting myself?

He’s won. I’m done. He can’t do anything else to me but kill me. I don’t care any more about who he is or what he does or doesn’t do. He is not a nice person, that’s why I left him.

I have court coming soon. I need closure, I need to move on and I need him to leave me alone. I’m so tired of him dragging it out. My never ending winter.