Clambering on

Clambering on my life had changed to a more biophilic existence, filled with as much organic and natural surrounding that could holistically shroud me from the unnatural way life seemed to be, now that everything was inundation with technology and of course dissipating drama.  I longed for the even ebb and flow of life, the stoic way nature had always felt to me and made me feel.  Slowly, after everything that was dirtily handed to me, I was finally, albite slowly returning to my roots.  The soft subtle sounds of birds singing on a overcast day, melodious and calming, the intense heat of the late spring sun, powerful and yet relinquishing.  Purpose and hope stirred in my veins coursing through my reawakening heart, as I finally realized I was past a hurdle.  It clearly wasn’t premature  or arduous of me to have a feeling of kismet over the momentum my life had gained, especially now I was no longer thewless in nature.  Yes I had indeed stepped over a hurdle and literally could feel the change in my disposition.

It has been a gregarious year for me, something I am not all that familiar with, however it has been needed exposure for my overall well-being. I have had many eye opening experiences, that have enhanced who I am and allowed me to grow, and now that I  have move past the carking times  I see I am resilient in ways I would have never fathomed.  I do not want to have any mercurial times again, nor do I want to have to broach the subject of how to similar experiences ever again.   I was deracinated by my own child.  While I learned from it, it was a gut wrenching experience that slowly has improved with time, and the things that bring me joy.  I still cannot fathom how a child can do what she did to me but really it doesn’t matter as I cannot change what was done.

In order to over come that loss I had to work hard to get past the grief and find healthy ways to deal with the thewless that came on overnight.  I began to write, I worked out more and would go over to a friends house.  I picked up activities to fill my time, which in turn became great growth potentials.  The more things I do, the more new things I want to try.  I have never been adventurous, but you had better believe I have been developing a adventrous streak.  Why?  Because after years of giving to my children and putting them first, and then having the youngest tear my heart out I just couldn’t wallow and let what she did define me. It was overwhelming enough that I din’t need to put myself in purgatory or close myself off.  It was time to let go as much as I didn’t want to and put my all into myself and my life.  But what do you do when you have no choice.  Well you can either give up and not live, or live and experience life.  I chose to live and experience life as I worked on pushing past the pain.

This weekend is a busy one.  My daughters who love me depend on me, and I them.  They are my biggest supports and cheer me on.  They have helped me through the dark times and continue to stand by me.  I am proud of them and I enjoy talking to them and spending time with them.  While it is their time to be off on their own, It is also time for me to be as well.  For the first time in my life, I am outgoing, learning to let go and experience life and enjoin myself.  I have my daughters by my side guiding me in subtle ways.  They are good to me, so good.

 

With love…

 

 

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To Flourish and Grow

My heart and mind has been infected by sorrow and misery over the loss of my youngest daughter. There isn’t a day that goes by that she isn’t on my mind and that I don’t question why she did what she did. The pain in my heart caused overwhelming despair, from the knowledge she chose to remove me from her life and have nothing to do with me any more. The pain I feel is real, however with each passing day the pain lessens and my emotional fortitude flourishes and grows. I see amazing profound changes in me as I grow into myself now I don’t have a spouse holding me back not allowing m to grow.

I will not allow what my child and ex did to change me in bitter angry ways, it just isn’t who I am. My life is far different than I expected, but who I am is a happy and positive person and I will NOT give any part of myself to wasting time over the past and I will not give them satisfaction to think I was broken by what they did. Yes what was done hurt, but I WILL NOT spend my entire life waiting I am moving on.

I am incredibly grateful to my two other daughters, (her older sisters), they let me know how much I mean to them and how much they love me in wondrous, giving ways. They have made it clear that it was nothing I did, that I am an amazing mother and it is their sisters’ choice and ultimate loss. Whether or not this is completely true, they believe it and I believe in them. I am so appreciative for how they have stood by me loving me and supporting me all along on this hard road they too have traversed. They too have been through an ordeal and deserve all the love in my heart and and more. May we continue to have a sweet calmness that continues to bring much joy and happiness in our lives. In an instant I would do anything for them I know they realize that and know how deeply I love them. I dearly love the young women they have become in spite of what they had to endure.

I am sad because of what their sister (and father) did, that they want nothing to do with them. I wish this wasn’t the case as family matters, but it is how they feel. What happened didn’t have to happen, but my ex was bitter over me not wanting to be married to him any more or wanting anything to do with him and not willing to take (more) responsibility for hung he did). I went through every avenue to avoid a hostile divorce, but I wasn’t willing to sell my soul to prevent his aggression and violent outbursts and I wasn’t willing to give up who I was up. For years I had given in every conceivable way to make our marriage work. I was done, completely and utterly.

Don’t get me wrong, I did things I shouldn’t of over the years, we all do, but at what point does what he did to me and our children finally reflect on the unscrupulous person he is? When will realization come that he was abusive to me (and our children); emotionally and verbally and every way in between? When will I no longer be vilified by those that think my saying the things he did was wrong? When I finally felt I had my voice back and my power over my own life and was able to put out what he did I was condemn like I shouldn’t have voiced what he did. Yet those people not once walked in my shoes or tried to understand what I endured or realized what abuse does to the victim(s). For years I tried so hard to be a good wife, and nothing worked. I realized in the mist of the divorce staying with him had done more harm to my beautiful daughters when all I wanted to do was what was best for them. The truth is I didn’t realize I was abused for so long. I saw myself as strong and what he did as acceptable. It wasn’t.

Nothing he did was acceptable, the lying, steeling, spending, cheating, hitting, breaking of things, the aggression or the narcissist way he was and is. He isn’t a good person, has a Jekyll and Hyde personality, is smooth and charming to the people he wants to be to and is awful to the people he should be close to. I feel the only person he cares about is himself. He loves money and thinks he is entitled.

Some day he will finally be completely out of my life. I look forward to that day with joy, but until then I know nothing I say or do is off limits to him and can and will be manipulated by him to fit into any scheme he chooses to make me look bad. Even the most honest of things I have said or done he has turned around to his favor. I didn’t think he could hurt me when I got divorce, but he did, he is vindictive and cut throat. I continue to overcome what he has done, and let go as I grow. I don’t have time for him or going over what he did, I left him for a reason.

This weekend is a busy one. My college age daughters will be with me as we celebrate the oldest graduation. In spite of what they have endured they have shown great resilience. I love them so much and and extremely proud of who they are.

Life is Beautiful.

Indelibly I Will Go On

The debilitating transformation my life has undergone I would have never imagined having to endure, not in any of my wildest dreams.  I can’t say I have had copious amounts of joy with how it has morphed or that I found any comfort in the totality of the pain I had to learn to move forward through, but there is something about deep seeded sorrow and pain that does something to change you, for the better if you let it. I’m letting it.

I have lost a child to indelible lies and fabrication, on her part and from her other parent, and it has made me realize how little I meant to that child.  It has also shown me how vengeful her coparent has been and is toward me for leaving and divorcing him.  The sad truth of the matter is, I tried so hard for many years, too many years.  I clearly see how they both think and are, and it makes me sad to know I had anyone in my life like that.  The child like her siblings (from the same coparent) mean everything to me, but I will not allow the pedigree  of who she is dictate how I live my life.  How much I love her will not change, even if how I feel has.  She has made sure I am nothing to her by not only what she said, but what she did to sever our relationship, that long with my coparent who she resides with.    I have and will always be heart broken for what has been done but there is nothing I can do too change what has been done.  She is gone, and has made it clear I am not wanted.

I know I seem heartless, but it was made clear by the actions she and my coparent displayed what was though of me and any family member on my side.  The knife went in deep from their actions.  Their actions alone have wiped out  who I am and her family on my side is, from her vocabulary.  Anyone on my side on any level is nothing and there isn’t a damn thing can do to change that, nor will I.  Thanks to everyone who supported him when you knew who he was.  If you ask if I am bitter, yes I am.  That child meant everything to me, (like her siblings)  and I would have never made her choose, I always put her first no matter what lies were told.  In fact I told her I would never make her choose in any way no matter how I felt and yet my coparent did and friends of mine who thought I had no right to say what happened.  To those I say who the hell are you?!

It has been a difficult 10 months of grief, but I am finally accepting what has come to pass and what is, and I am moving on dealing with how she feels and thinks about me and that I will no longer be in her life.  As the coparent said, “she doesn’t want anything to do with her mother and doesn’t want a relationship with her because of what she did. WTF did I do?  I have no choice but to come to terms and accept what is, I have no choice.  I know I was a good mother in so many ways,  but I cannot allow what has happened with her and the coparent to make my life not matter to me.  My life matters to me greatly and I will live my life and make it fruitful in every way.   I have moved on.

I talked to her siblings about why they are so despondent and emotionally void when it comes to her.  Their answer was, she lied, stole, and treated you awful, she doesn’t deserve to have you or us and that is why we feel like we do. I wish that wasn’t the case,  just like I wish my coparent didn’t do what he did to sever the relationship he had with the other two.  It was not me and yet that is the story.

I have been hurt, but I will not let it ruin my life.  I have to go on and live.  Happiness is everything to me and always has been.

Goodbye

Upon waking this morning, I looked at the clock and decided I wasn’t going to rush. It occurred to me the entire weekend I woke early and paced myself and then comes Monday, where I need to rush. I’m tired of rushing. So I didn’t. I paced myself and let it go. I don’t need self induced stress, so I’m not going to have it anymore. Life is too short.

I thought about the plans that got canceled and how I was so interested in getting done what I needed to for the plans, when it didn’t matter because the plans didn’t happen. It’s as if the universe is telling me to take a breath and focus on just myself and slow down and enjoy the moment. After all the only person I need to impress is me.

I have no desire to flaunt myself or aspects of my life. I’m an average person with aspirations and dreams just like anyone else. I have loved deeply and lost profoundly where the pain has left deep scars that while healed still are sensitive and easily get hurt because of the newness of the scars. The newness of the scar still is raw and causes me pain.

I’m tired, so tired and drained. I have come to a point in my life that I don’t hold out hope, I have moved on, but truthfully the things that happened have shown me the true nature of people. They are vicious, mean, controlling, judgmental and above all insensitive to someone else’s experience. The saying is unless you have walked in my shoes don’t judge me, and I have been judged in the harshest of ways. I’ve been judge by others who believed they had a say in my life and my divorce. To all of them I hope no one ever does to you what you did to me. You did not endure what I did and had no right to judge me.

This week, it is all present. I have to keep level headed and focus on now and whats ahead with my two daughters. I have to keep my mind clear and not dwell, let go, move on and do for myself. I can’t change anyone but me, and I can make sure I take care of my needs, both emotional and otherwise. This week will be used to reflect.

The thing about hurting someone intentionally is you have to live with yourself and what you have done and the consequences of your actions. Pushing it out of your head will only cause it to haunt you. It also shows what kind of person you are. I would never do what was done to me by any of the people who contributed. I know unequivocally it was done with malice and hate. All I can say is goodbye to all of you, may you never have to deal with pain anywhere near what you caused me.

My tears may they cleanse me, heal me and help me forget.

Kindness Matters

I live in an imaginary bubble of prophetic wisdom and knowledge, tranquility and love.  I know the bubble isn’t really there accept in my minds eye, which I am growing from my own experiences, good and bad.  But by taking (my) painful experiences, and growing a euphorically symbolic bubble, I am turning my sorrow and pain back into loving kindness I can pass on to others.  If I can help anyone and give them confidence and hope, it helps me to let go of any and all pain I have.

It is at the times of greatest pain and loss we grow the most, probably because we are faced with harsh reality and need to find our way out on any and all levels.  I have worked my butt off to move forward and let go, and move on.  I have worked hard to find out who I really am and why I had to suffer so greatly.  I know I will not have substantial answers that will quantify my desire to know, but somehow having moved forward has been enough to quell the desire to have those questions repeated over and over for the purpose of get them answered.  Truth be told there really is no answer I would be satisfied with that would make me feel at ease with the events that unfolded.

There is no way I will be ok with any of it, yet at the same time, what happened has made me strive to be a kinder person on all fronts, as well as work on experiencing life to the fullest.  You see I do not need anyone to make me happy, I should be able to do that on my own by focusing on what I like and what brings me joy.  For instance I am now completely comfortable doing things I didn’t do in my marriage.  I wonder if me not doing some of those things was a result of how uncomfortable I was with my ex. I can only assume yes.

My losses over the last few years, have been some of the hardest I have had to overcome, ever.  The more heartfelt the losses, the harder they have been to move on from, and the harder the lesson learned.  My two children make a point to tell me for them they don’t care about the young woman they knew and think I should give up on her as she is a bad person and lied.  I respect how they feel, but I wish it hadn’t come to that.  Unfortunately it has and their is nothing that can be done to change it but move on.

I am moving on.  I see how hard life is and I want to be someone other’s see as a positive light, kind and helpful.  I can’t change what has come to pass, but I can change how I chose to heal, grow and help others, especially myself.  I’ve let go, my life isn’t on hold and I am not wallowing in sorrow and loss.  In stead I am working on living my life, taking classes, meeting new people, going out, driving all over, working on trying new and exciting things, and working on my bucket list flow chart.  In the next few years I am planning on completing those items on my list.  So far I have: worked on public speaking, joined a committee where I am in the public eye, joined a singles group, glass blown, driven to another state for a class, taken up an instrument; cello, joined a divorce group, overcome fear by meeting it head on and letting go, worked on personal issue that have held me back, and become a kinder person, because kindness matters.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying I am perfect.  I am not.  I am human and I am working toward my life changing while having affirming growth for my own self nurturing and happiness.  I am learning to see the world and people in general in a new way.  I want to be the kindness I would have wanted for myself when I was going through so much, and if I can help one person and give them something back, we’ll it helps me grow.

Time is a healer.  The injury will fully heal and a scar will be left as a reminder. But in the end it won’t matter because you cannot change what was done, just move on and let go holding on to happiness.  My happiness is two daughters who love me, a dog given by my oldest, my friends, and all the people who love me, and what I strive for, my own happiness.

 

 

 

All the Time

The art of finding myself has changed me with each new undertaking. It’s as if the more (healthy) new things I try, the more I understand my past, and the more my need to learn has increased. I strive for a deeper and healthier understanding of what it means for me to be alive, and what it means to live a good healthy life. In many ways my need to find solace from my past experiences has caused me to become my own mentor. I have worked hard to find healthy ways to push out of the confines I lived in for years and be, well the true me.

The confines I was held in previously have made me realize, upon reflection, that they were more due to the person I was with, than my own way of being/thinking. Although I limited myself and stopped myself from living my life, (because of how my ex was), I never fully understood how my ex made me feel, until my epiphany happen. It was a gradual process I have grown and gained understanding from, I now see I had no personal identity outside of our marriage, and no “real” independence per say. Whether it was an intentional dynamic he set on his part or something I felt I had to do based on how he was toward me, I’ll never know, I just know the relationship we had was toxic in every conceivable way.

The relationship I’m in now allows me to have my own identity both in the relationship and outside of it. Each day, I see how good it is and how I am growing in leaps and bounds. This relationship is by far the healthiest relationship I have been in romantically and otherwise, and I feel how content I am. I in no way am saying I should discount totally the years I was with my ex, or what I went through, overall I did learned from my past relationship in many positive ways, and while the experience was horrible it took hindsight to see what I gained.

I was deathly worried about repeating the past. If you only knew the fear I had and how I analyzed the potential of having someone in my life who dictated who I was, and who wouldn’t allow me to be an individual. I deeply worried I wouldn’t see the person clearly and it stopped me cold in my tracks time and again. I was so worried to date anyone, that when I dated anyone who offended me in any way, I ended it with a guillotine response. You see I would rather be with no one than someone who treated me in the obtrusive ways my ex did in so many ways, over and over again.

I should have never been with my ex, let alone married him, but make no mistake I see the error of my ways. In fact I’m sure that if my ex hadn’t already, he would have slept with my mother and all of my friends given half the chance. At this point I wouldn’t put it past him with everything that he did and put me through time and again. I believed anything he did or said, which was a really dumb thing on my part, considering how much he lied over and over.

The man I am dating now I never expected to date, nor did I expect to ever like him. He is a man who allows me to be me and treats me well, in every sense of the word. He is more than ok with who I am and he is ok with me having my own identity outside of our relationship. This is new to me. I have learned I must take everything in the relationship as if it is a first and not respond until after I analyze and refilter on it, so I have clarity. My ex would point out my faults, correct me, and make me feel like I wasn’t ok. It has taken me a very L O N G time to realize that it was his issue and not mine.

On the flip side, I like the man I am dating now; he is kind, considerate, aware, honest, genuine and I see him as a friend. I find I am completely comfortable with him and I am myself around him all the time. It’s a nice feeling. I can tell you this, I’m in no hurry and I won’t rush into any relationship. Yes I enjoy his company and I like him, and I know he feels the same, but making sure we are both on the right track is more important to me. Why? Well it’s my life, and I deserve happiness and everything that comes with it. However, I am more than willing to give my all, just like I would anything else of importance.

Like anything in life as much as we hate to admit it, it takes time…

Here’s to me.

May you Smile

Overnight a quenching rain fell, with boughts of thunder and lightning, cooling down the temperatures left by the intensely hot day. As the rain fell, a heaviness filled the air as the humidity began to rise, leaving a laden layer of wetness saturating everything in observable view. Creak bottoms running with the collect rain, rivers at their banks, and the sky covered in grey clouds, residuals of the storms that passed through the area while we slept.

Every tree in bloom, lush spring grass and flowers galore, a calm and uplifting feeling. New growth awakens a since of peacefulness and possibility while the sweet scents quiet my soul, relaxing me to an almost meditative state. The heaviness do to all the humidity in the air and grey cloud cover in no way dissipated the warmth of the day, especially common this time of year. Pokes of sun, an intermediate breeze, an unremarkable, remarkable day.

A symphony of birds, a plethora of dandelions, an awakening of the empirical senses; the psychological capacity for perception, especially this time of year becomes more like an aphrodisiac. Spring, the rebirth of active life, our planets life blood, all from the rain, sun and warmth. I feel tranquil, and motivated along with purpose.

I am awake, I am alive, I feel connected. Nature you are who I seek and need always.