In just a few days summer will be here. As much as that is an exciting thing it makes me sad. I try to not to get hung up on the fact once the summer solstice passes, the days start to get shorter. I know that sounds pessimistic and it is, but I start to mourn the loss of the season even before it’s gone. Unlike years past I would miss its passing by the end of the season regretting not doing something meaningful or with purpose in my life. Perhaps that is why I mourn the passing even before it comes.
All throughout my life I can see how as a person I’ve grown and become more understanding, compassionate and kinder, with time. I can also see now my vision isn’t obscured by an (ex)spouse who made me so distrusting and overprotective of my children and question people in such harsh ways. I even questioned much about myself. It makes me sad that I didn’t see how I had changed being with him and how I would compensated by showed people an image of myself that wasn’t really who I was. I was lead by fear, doubt, and distrust of others motives because that is what my marriage entailed for years. In some ways I am blaming him, but the burden falls on me for not doing something about it sooner. I chose to stay and I wish I hadn’t.
In the grand scheme of life it wouldn’t of mattered if I found out sooner who he really was, because I wasn’t ready. He lied and did awful things most of our marriage and I stayed with him because I doubted myself, my worth and who I was. I had to learn to trust my gut feelings, trust my inner voice and above all build my self confidence. Yes confidence.
By the time I filed for divorce I was done being married and knew there would be no reconciliation. I had finally gained hard earned confidence in myself, mostly from bad experiences that he put me through. I would hold my own on what ever came my way even when he left me holding the bag. At the end I realized he met every fear I had and nothing was holding me back but me.
Little did I know he would do what he masterfully did to me with the help of my youngest. To this day I am heartbroken over what she helped him do. In addition this happens to be a bad week from an emotional blow I suffered just a few days ago. The few things I thought were mainstays, my children and my church, have not been. I lost one of my children through deceit and now I am pretty sure I will have to give up my church. I cannot handle the emotional strife and by law I cannot be around them, (my daughter and ex). I’m sure you’re thinking she had to do something. But I didn’t. My ex could sell air even though we already have it to breathe. He is a master at lying and twisting what he knows to suit him, you wouldn’t even know it because what he says is plausible. It was plausible to me for years, I believed he wanted what I did.
From my losses I have been left heartbroken, looking to rebuild myself and for the first time putting myself first. I struggle, cry and wish at times my life would just end. I wonder if I’d be missed at all. Over all I think not. I’ve never been popular, or someone people come to something I’ve always wanted and wish I knew how to obtain, but am not destined to have. I know silly and superficial. I’ve just started to really appreciate who I am and how I look and my talents. But in the face of my losses it sometimes is unbearably hard to see what my worth is.
If losing one of my daughters has taught me anything, it’s don’t take your own life for granted. Don’t let anyone assign or tell you your worth. I’ve stopped doing that after the divorce and losing my daughter nine days later. I’ve stopped saying I’ll do what I want later, because for me it won’t come, because it never did. I’m not the only one who has suffered, so too has both her sisters, and her grandfather and I want to acknowledge that fact.
For the entire time with my ex, I put my needs on hold, but not anymore. When I lost my daughter and made it enough out the other side to function, I said to myself I’m am no longer wasting my life or allowing fear to control me. So that’s what I’ve done. I’m not sure how much I’ve changed, (or if at all), but I’m not taking fear as an excuse to stop me from experiencing and living my life. I don’t want to regret having not done something when I had the ability to do it. I don’t wanna wish I could have tried such and such but I was too afraid to do.
I’ve abolished fear, I won’t let it take up residence any more, I can’t. Its held me back much of my life because I allowed it to speak for me. It won’t ever again. I’ve lost too much, I’ve suffered too much and I’ve taken its voice away. I have worth, I have dreams. This summer is mine and I’m doing the things I’ve told myself I couldn’t do because of fear, or because of money, or my children came first. There is only me now an I come first.