With Time

With a passing though, and a deep slow breath

I momentarily close my eyes, to shove (away) the sorrow in my heart

cutting off my feelings to stop tears before they form

Memories of what was, painfully reignite what has come to passed

I strive to move ahead, attempting to leave memories of you behind

shutting off my mind to the pain that’s called the shots

 

Looking back to times and feeling it in my heart

never were you tethered child, nor counted me worthy of a bond

I know it matters none to you, as you crossed me out

took my name of mother to leave me a blacken mark

I was honest, open and sincere, would never make you choose

yet in the end it mattered less,  I was the piece removed

 

Sitting in the quiet, as nature played its melodious hum

with an empty static rumination, my mind did drift

internally and emotionally,  a methodically mode of healing

Both mindless and therapeutic, and essential to have achieved

In many ways I’ve let go and accept what has come to pass

 

In the interim as the transtion is a go, time has a way to heal

Memories fad the past loses hold, you move from to to fro

You need not worry child you have made your choice

I remove my voice from your narrative, showing respect and care

Both our lives will go on by separated paths

Inchoate in nature but I will stay par the course,  my faculties in tow

 

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Whether or Not

It’s a blustery April morning, light snow is falling chaotically, due to the wind. The snow on the road in front of me, a dry powder, is blowing in wave like motions. As I sit in my car waiting the churning snow mesmerizes me and causes my thoughts to drift off as I wait.

The natural chaos of life in its own way creates a consistency of sorts almost pattern like. The fact, pain and suffering is inevitable while we are surrounded by such beauty, causes me to take pause over my own life. How do I contribute to my own existence? Does my genuine nature, open, and caring disposition help my outcome in the same way physics and math rule the universe? Does how I improve myself by becoming more mindful, playing music, writing, etc, aid me in a better life?

Since my divorce I think about how much I have changed, I have become more confident, ready to take risks and am not fearful of failure like I once was. I think about what has gone on in my life, my willingness to face what comes my way and and be okay with the state of where I am, (for the most part). A ridiculous amount of my life has changed, those experiences have not stymied me as they could have, but yet at the same time I can see how aspects have stayed the same.

With each wave like movement of the snow dancing across the blacktop, I see how my life ebbs and flows. As if my life is concentric circles, my experiences ripples out increasing my knowledge base and broadening how I view the world and adapt. Giving up has never been an option, sometimes gaining my momentum has been a struggle, however I am willing to learn and work on broadening my thinking. The fact I have become more mindful in many respects, (which still is a work in progress) has been an enormous help.

It’s bitterly cold out, just a few days ago it was mild, the sun was shining, but certainly not warm. What we remember or forget, isn’t always something we choose, but make no mistake all those experiences mold and form who we are. We tend to recall the negative experiences because they erode and impacts our perceptions and beliefs in a profound way, but those experiences allow for the greatest growth, that is if you are willing to learn from them. Examination of how we perceive and filtering negative scenarios by critically and logically thinking can be life affirming. You know, “take it with a grain of salt,” approach. As I have been told for years, slow down. Would I change the past if I could? Yes most definitely I would have. I would have done more for myself and put my needs first. I would have let things go and walked away, but I wasn’t the person I am now, nor was I ready. The fact remains life is a fine line to which it can be balance, and that balancing act will never become perfected. There is a plethora of factors that both make life predicable and unpredictable, much like the weather.

We all have free will to choose, to see our part and take charge of our lives. This is “my” life and from now on I choose what happens with what I can as a person do. I am a leader, I am confident and I am kind. Welcome to life!

Half Baked

In the late night hours

Prior to A.M

I stumbled in the door

Exhausted almost dead

Knowingly I’m dreading

The lack of sleep I’ll get

I blame on the morning

And a busy life

I struggle to get up

I struggle to get to sleep

Five fifteen’s too early

But I was unable to leave

Looking at the clock

Eyes clearly dry

Was my choice to banter

Now I’m sleep deprived

Thoughts go through my head

Ideas to explore

Its time to get moving

See what’s in store

As for the late hours

It’s a good thing

Up until I realize

Everything must end (sigh)

Moderation for this

Moderation for that

Unable to burn a candle

At both ends

Cut Flowers

Early spring has always held some sort of charm for me, seeing the grass turn from brow to green, little buds appearing on the trees and the longer daylight hours slowly returning. In forested areas I’m drawn to the shoots of plants poking through the brown leaf mold and contrasting against the color of the bare trees. It excites me and send exuberance though me, for I know it is only a matter of time I must wait for nature to spring back to life and be in full bloom. With the return of warmer weather and longer days the delightful sounds of nature come alive and with it so do I.

As long as I can remember I have had a love for flowers and plants. One of my favorite spring time flowers as far back as I can remember, has been the hyacinth. It is the aromatic rich fragrance, and the array of colors it comes in that has drawn me to them. As a young child of maybe seven I have a vivid memory of pulling out one of my neighbors hyacinths, bulb and all, only to be reprimanded by my dad for stealing. But I was lucky enough to have a neighbor down our alley, who would frequently cut some of his climbing roses for me. He knew how much I loved them. Finally, every year in spring while on my way home from school I would pick lilacs. We didn’t have flowers of any kind growing on our property except for morning glories I was allowed to plant along our fence, in addition my father did have a vegetable garden every year and I would love picking the vegetable, (especially green beans) and eating them as I picked them.

I would work with my dad digging and planting, thinking I was helping him as he planted, but really he did all the work. I would watch him take cuttings of plants put them in rooting powder and start new plants. I remember him telling me about trees and tree rings and I would alway get a sense from him he respected the trees and nature. I’m sure my love of nature grew from him and the time he spent with me.

It wasn’t until years later after getting my first house that my true love for gardening show. I got right to work, pruning trees, making plans for all the flowers I would plant and deciding where my vegetable garden would go the following spring. However waiting for the spring to come seemed to take forever and the anticipation of seeing flowers bloom made me wish I could rush the preceding season. Worst of all waiting for the plants I had order to come in the mail took so long I thought they would never come. When the time finally came and my plants arrived I was beyond excited and could plant. I was radiant with pride knowing I could and had planted flowers. All the hard work I put made me certain my garden would both flourish and be beautiful. I felt so alive becoming the gardener I knew I would always become.

It wasn’t until the purchased of our second house, that my true gardening abilities came out and the clear connection I had with plants and nature in general showed through. Not only did I have an eye for landscaping, but my yard was a draw for a plethora of birds, bees, butterflies and every conceivable child and their families. In addition I had such an array of flowers and massive amounts of them I could have cut flowers for much of the season.

Every inch of the front garden I designed, dug and planted or made myself. I was so proud of how welcoming and alive it made me feel that I would sit for hours listening to the sounds, taking in the beauty and smelling the sweet smells. Children would come to watch the waterfall, look at the fairy garden but none of the children picked any flowers, except my own daughters. The would make sure we had a vase or two every week.

Part of the wish I had in planting my garden, was to make my house feel welcoming, make people want to take time to slow down and enjoy the peace and solitude I created and allow children to be children and walk through it. I also had a strong desire to feel in touch with nature. Not only did the flowers bring me joy, but the massive amount of birds I had would drowned out the sounds of civilization.

Since my divorce and the consequent sale of my house, leaving my personal sanctuary devastated me on so many levels. The connection I had with the space I created was gone, the array of flowers; some rare, would be missed and the feelings my living work of art gave me would no longer be present. I reminisce often, looking at pictures of my heaven, the amazing space I created. The joy, love and internal sense of purpose I felt and then I feel an emotional void that time has yet to heal.

How can a garden cause such strife? I’m sure it stems from the labor of love I had, how it connected me to nature, how it drew me and my children together much like when I was a child spending time with my father. I do know there is nothing better for anxiety and stress. It has been a few years since I have had our garden, I miss everything about it, but right now I am not in a place to have one. But you better believe when my circumstance improve and the position I am in life changes that will be one of the first things I will do for myself. For the love of nature but mostly for the love of myself.

Toxic Fear

Moments in time freeze in our mind becoming memories.  Some of the memories are wonderful and heartwarming, giving us purpose, and, well, others are toxic and bring heart ache and pain.  There is no rhyme or reason for which moments we experince which will be stored into memory or what will bring them forth to be remembered.  

All memories, but more so the toxic unhealthily ones, are the most meaningful and can facilitate the most growth.  That is if you choose to delve into those painful experiences and use them for insight and introspecition.  In many ways we are who we are based on genetics and early experiences, however I do believe we still have the power to change and overcome much of what we put our minds to.  Our growth potential is only limited by what we believe we can or can’t do.  

Pain can cause many personal struggles and inabilities that prevent one from being able to move forward. Its as if you get stuck in the reality of the pain but live in a false bravado of hurt and the pain that was caused.  Over and over again you feel what has happened unable to move forward, and then one day it just happens.  The pain is still there, but now it is serving a purpose to aid you in growth and you have moved a bit away from the rut you were stuck in.

Those memories, especially the toxic ones I diligently focus on and utilize to grow from and to help me overcome my self contained limits.  Learning from pain and what caused it and why,  is the deepest insight and respect I can give to myself.  I am giving myself permission to grow and experience life in a richer more authentic way so I can have the meaningful life I strive for. I no longer believe the boundaries that once held me back had a purpose, especially because they were self imposed and based on someone else’s reality of me and meant to hold me back.  Of course it was my choice to believe them, I realize that now. 

Very few of us have the insight and upbringing to realize what life later teaches us. If we have the will and perseverance we can put our mind to anything, grown and change our lives in meaningful ways.  Of course it takes more than just desire, it takes hard work in the from of self reflection, insight and deep introspection.  It also requires you push your falsely set boundaries, make new achievable goals and redirect your energy into your own perseverance.

I have, as I said, removed the self imposed boundaries I had and because I have experienced and endured my worst fears and lived through them those boundaries cease to hold me.   There is nothing I can’t do considering  I have been able to face all those fears I once had, and still be standing here stronger than I was before.  For so long I worried I wouldn’t be able to handle the things I had to if they were to happen, and when they happened, I had no choice but to face and handle them.  I lost so much, that hasn’t changed, but what has is what fear means to me and how I chose to define it.  

Life is pain and pain can be equated to fear.  Therefore life is fear.  Fear is the unknown that which scares us and holds us back.  Life is losing what we hold dear, enjoying what we have, and trying new things.  It is sadness, love, loss, gifts, joy, aging, learning, living experiencing, crying, and dying.  The end result for all of us is the same, I cannot change that.  I can change how I chose to use what time I have on our world to truly live and experience my life to the fullest.  

Fear should have never been used to hold me back, I see that now.  It should have been used to motivate me to experience my life and live.  It took a long time to realize that fact, and embrace and feel it.  I still have fear, but instead of allowing it to scare me and hold me back,  I use it by embracing it, as it tells me I am moving in the right direction and not staying self contained, but truly growing.   

Nameless

Your Whispers

Are all but silent

Your actions

Have clearly spoke

The lies you told

Have penetrated,

Eroding

leaving gapping holes

Once I said

I’d always be there

No matter what it took

I would be your savior

Help you though the dark

In the wake of my sorrow

You caused and co-created

You diabolically

Plunged and twisted

Removing

“mother” as my name

I am letting go completely

As if you were never mine

It is what you caused

And chose by your design

Don’t worry

I will follow suit

To the letter of the law

Its what you both outlined

When you fought to take me out

I won’t cross your line

Your blackened deep mark

The death of where I died

somewhere in your heart

There’s no going back

Only moving on

None of this

Was what I wanted

it’s you

Who called the shots

I’m

Adjusting to the name change

Having been removed

but it’s you who

Needs to live

With the repercussions

Of what you do

A Somber Roadblock of Truth

Overcast out, and grey, the leafless branches bounce in the wind attempting to dance as March comes to an end.  There is nothing about today that screams get moving, and in fact I have not. I have no motivation even though I keep thinking of things I should be doing, could be doing: like walking the dog, exercising, practicing the cello.  🙂 Things that are motivating factors that bring me joy and fullfillment, but are not motivating me today.

I am in a somber mood, looking out my window, into the muted tones of the day searching for purpose.  My thoughts are stagnate, directionless and not really formed.  A sense of purpose is missing today. Have I really had one?  It occurs to me it is Saturday as I see the mail lady across the street. Am I really going let this day just slip through without trying enjoy it?  Why can’t I enjoy it? 

Roadblocks seem to come up everywhere I turn.  Whether it is true or not, it feels all too real and discouraging, and emotionally very empty.  I have an insatiable desire to succeed and be successful in my own right.  But what does that mean?  What is it that it looks like to me, especially now?  So much has changed in my life and continues to change, as I make my way into the unknown recesses of my life.  I don’t know what “it” means and where life is directing me.  

I feel stripped of the fundamentals that made me who I was, even as I work to find who I am now and fortify my soul.  All the warnings that went off in my head I struggled with for years and when I finally made the change and put myself first, well instead of just going our separate ways, I have been made to pay.  I knew my life would change drastically but I erroneously thought that I would be left alone to live my life on my own terms.  I unequivocally know I am better off emotionally, mentally, financially and phycially, but how this person still is out to make me suffer and gets away with it.  With everything he did to me to hurt me and abuse me and still he looks good.

We live in a world where when a woman comes forth and tells of abuse her abuser is seen as the victim.  Where a smooth talker with a calm detached demeanor means the person is not a bad person.  That if he can talk a good talk and lie with conviction or not say anything, he is seen as worthy.  And finally if he is skilled at manipulation he is someone who matters.  

I am none of these things.  I was loud, I wanted to be heard.  I put it all out there in the end because I wanted to be understood and have what I lived though to finally reflect on him and show who he was.  I stood up to him and yet it only back fired on me because it looked like I was aggressive.  I became the bad person who was vindictive and spiteful.  I wanted the truth to show and to finally be understood but instead I was vilified. 

I am not ok with what I have lost, but at the same time I have to be.  I hate games, I am not competitive by nature, and I won’t devote energy to something that doesn’t matter. There is no purpose and nothing to pursue and not a single thing to care for which make it is time to walk away and shut down my emotions.

I am in tune with my feelings and thoughts.  I know the day is far better than I first described.  I let my deep feelings and thoughts shroud my perspective and drive me in a negative way.   The day is grey but it hides the beauty and truth, you just have to want to look, see and accept the truth.  Ideals are not facts, concise neatly appearing personas don’t reflect the truth, even if you turn a blind eye.  Because one choose not to look and see the truth, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. It only means you choose to help feed what is wrong in this world.